Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The JP Blog Experience - on Dragon's Den!

Dragon's Den logo and post advert music

INT: Dragon's Den set. The five dragon's are seated, staring at JP who is standing in front of them with various props such as a mast and sail, paddle, bike and flip chart with rough map of the Thames as it runs through central London.

Voice over: Welcome back. And before the break JP presented to the dragon's his plan for a business called the JP Blog Experience. He is looking for an investment of £ 100,000 - but how will the dragons react? Are there stormy waters ahead or will it be plain sailing? First up is straight talking dragon man (STDM)

STDM: Let me get this straight, you want £ 100,000 for 0.25% of the company. How on earth did you get to a valuation of forty million pounds?

JP looks alarmed, starts to sweat, counting numbers on his fingers and mouthing silently.

JP: Er, hmm, lets think, don't rush me,


JP: Oh I know, that should be 25% not 0.25%. Sorry!

STDM: I'm not interested in putting my money in a business that can't spot when something is wrong by a factor of one hundred, so I'm out.

Voice over: That not a good start, lets see what scary looking dragon woman (SLDW) has to say.

SLDW: I'm worried about the health and safety angle. There's been alarming stories about tragic accidents in water sports recently: what did your risk assessment come up with and what sort of insurance cover are your planning for?

JP: Ah, yes, those are good points, must remember to do something about that

JP turns over a page on the flip board and on a clean sheet writes down "To do (more): health and safety, risk assessment, insurance".

SLDW throws up her hands in disbelief.

SLDW: How can you possibly not have these critical issues under control! I'm out!

Voice over: two down, some serious questions being asked by the dragons. I wonder what cheaky chappy dragon man (CCDM) has to say:

CCDM: JP, like the idea, want to know some more about how the money will be spent, the marketing plan and staffing.

JP: Well I was thinking of getting some great dinghies, nice kayaks, good bikes, somewhere to store them err..... what was the next? Oh yes, marketing, well the blog of course, and staffing, no idea - hadn't got that far.

CCDM: So you have no serious marketing plan just a shopping list. And as for staffing - it sounds like you don't even have a single Australian who says "hey guys" on your team do you?

JP: er... no....

CCDM: What are you thinking? Everyone knows that a water sport business must have an Australian who says "hey guys" on the team! I'm out!

Voice over: That's a serious blunder. JP really shouldn't have been prepared to be questioned about the Australian team member who says "hey guys". Now its the turn of Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback Dragon (NNRD) to give JP some feedback.


NNRD waves his wings and then blows a wave of fire at JP who hides behind the flip chart which bursts into flames taking with it the sail, mast and one of the paddles.

Voice over: Torching the presention - that's never a good sign! Looks like a serious thumbs down from Norbert! Just one to go, can JP pull anything out of this hat. What does the Tall Techy Dragon Man (TTDM) have to say.

TTDM: JP, like the idea, always enjoy paddling or sailing and London's a great, great city. But got a question for you. The Wandle tour up to, what did you say? "meadows" I think you said?

JP nods.

TTDM: I've been up the Wandle and this is what I remember: muddy smelly start, long dark pipe, then too shallow to paddle industrial zone. Have you personally paddled up to these "meadows".

JP: Ah.... yes, maybe the Wandle isn't the best river to choose.


TTDM: JP, I like the idea but you really haven't done your homework here. Sorry, I'm out.

JP gathers up the smoldering remains of his props and flip chart and walks despondently off set.

Where next for the JP Blog Experience?


Tillerman said...

Maybe you should hire Buff Staysail as your PR man and arrange for some kind of promotion on Top Gear, something like car vs canoe vs Enterprise over the Boat Race course?

Seriously this "experience" thing is a brilliant idea.

bonnie said...

too bad about the gear.

Try dancing girls next time.

O Docker said...

JP, you presented without a short-skirted blonde nubile making winkee at the male dragons (and maybe even at the scary female dragon)? What were you thinking? This isn't the Antique Road Show.

JP said...

Doh! Tillerman - of course! Buff could have been my Australian who says "hey guys"!

Though of course he'd probably say a lot of other things too that might have made things worse.

O Docker - you're right of course!

Now where would I find some dancing girls.......?

bonnie said...

Here! Here! The first one's even blond!

Carol Anne said...

OK, here's my contribution:

Pat said...

That was a close one -- Carol Anne let the apostrophes slide.

Trivia question... How many authors now have become involved in the Napoleonic-era naval warfare fiction subgenre?

JP said...

Bonnie: LOL - not the blond I had in mind, but I suppose British legends in their ways :)

Carol Anne - on my way for a spot of reading!

Pat: I dunno, but think I'm one of the few who haven't tinkered with it. Feeling a bit left out to be honest but there is still time to join the gang.

I grew up on Hornblower (and Swallow and Amazons (and Narnia (and... well, you know how it is))) which is still a great read.