Buff Solves Hammersmith Bridge Problem

 G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well like typical poms there's been a lot of whingeing in London about Hammersmith Bridge being closed! Doh! Like Buff would be afraid to cross a bridge just because it might fall down at any moment!!

And for like years nothing's been done - there's been talk of ferries, but do I see one? 

So Buff Enterprises has offered to come to the rescue of poor west Londoners with his solution - a zip wire!!!

It's brilliant, why hasn't anyone suggested it!!!???

All you need is to create two towers at either bank then thread a wire which travellers can zip across in seconds.

Imagine the fun for all! Children off to school! Parents doing their shopping! Grandparents off to see their GP! Make sure you don't drop your homework / shopping / glasses in the river!!

It wouldn't be the first time, either, that a zip wire has been used to cross the Thames. A couple of years ago one was set up to cross from St. Thomas's Hospital to Westminster - read about it here and watch the video here:

How awesome is that! Key quote: "fastest river crossing ever"!!!

So come on London Transport, invest in Buff Enterprise's latest venture: a zip wire across the Thames at Hammersmith! It would be Buff Brilliant!!

This is Buff Staysail, over and out!!

Buff sells Greenland!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

You might be wondering why ol' Buff has been off the radar! Well its simple - I've been working for the Trumps!

That's right, the top man, Mr T himself in Washington DC has recruited Buff Staysail into his team. Buff is head of strategic thinking and advanced planning and I'm sure you can tell how things have been turned around by checking out Mr. T's improved hair-piece!!

He recently sent me down to his Florida golf course to check some paper-work and report back. This insurance bozo (yawn) went on and on about how global warming was raising sea levels and so the flood premium was going up.

"Soon, with Greenland melting" said the suit "half of Florida will be underwater.  But then it will be so hot everyone will have moved north anyhow."

I've had a crack at this golf lark and let me tell you, its tough enough getting out of the sand castles (Ed: is that right?) but if the green is under water your's truly will be rightly stuffed.

So I told the boss his golf courses were about to be flooded due to Greenland global warming and he was devastated.

"Best golf club ever" he said. "Flooding would be SO SAD!!"

He munched on his burger and fired off some tweets.

Then he perked up.

"So this Greenland place, its up north, it'll be cleared of all that ice, it won't get too hot. Lets buy it and create the new Presidential Golf Course".

Sorted.

And it's the family way - buy property on the up, early. And the best way to make Greenland valuable is to burn lots of oil and coal, kick climate change into gear, then clean up when the ice melts and its coastline becomes water-front property heaven!

With Buff in charge of strategy, what can possibly go wrong!!

This is Buff Staysail, over and out!!

Buff LOLs Yachting!!!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well here's one for the books. I gave me ol' ma an iPhone and she'd has been getting into texting me at all times of night and day. But she says she doesn't understand Buff's replies - all this OMG and LOL nonsense.

So as its Christmas, Buff offers this easy to remember translation of the most common terms:

LOL: Luff Or Leach? Jeez, who can remember which side of the sail is which? Does it matter anyway?

OMG: Or Maybe Goose-winged? That's sailing downwind, not the Christmas day roast, obv.

IMHO: I Might Hike Out. Or not. Probably not.

TLC: Total Lines Cock-up. Typically happens during a spinnaker hoist - the skipper should never have asked for a gybe set

WTF: Wingsail Takes Flight. As in the America's Cup, until that nose dive of course!!

FFS: F*** Foiling Sailing. What traditionalists say about the America's Cup.

BTW: Boat Taking-on Water. Now where's that safety boat?

ISO: I'm Sozzled, Ok? While not technically a sailing thing, it is a good excuse for navigators that "forget" one of the marks

YOLO: Yachting Optional, Lunch Obligatory. 'Nuff said, you know ol' Buff!!

NSFW: Not Sailed For Weeks. JP, I'm looking at you!!!

IRL: I-forget-what-about-the Reaching Line. Seriously, mind's a blank on this one

Well there are probably more but its xmas and ol' Buff needs to lie down for a bit for some mysterious reason. But maybe you can fill in some of the missing ones for me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

This is Buff Staysail, over - hic - and out!!

Did someone give Buff the microphone?

Must admit I've just said "Oh bother"!

Or words along those lines

10 reasons why sailing is SAD

Our new top correspondent Boris Staysail has been interviewing the topest persons and has come up with this Top Trump list of 10 reasons why sailing is sad.

1. Water sports are sad. I know nothing about water sports so don't know what they are but know they are really sad

2. Colour. I've seen those Aeros that some sad sailors go on and on about but you can't get them in gold, and gold is the only not sad colour

4. All good things can be done in one of my hotels, if you can't do it in a hotel then that is SAD. And you can't sail in a hotel so that is just sad

5. One sailor I have heard of is John Kerry and he is a Democrat and they are sad so sailors are sad

6. I am the smartestish of all but haven't won the America's Cup, so it must be sad, so sad. I feel sorry for it!

7. I was told that the Vendee Globe was a big sailing race but when I went on to the web site to watch the virtual regatta I noticed they were all fake, not real - FAKE - that's sad

8. My friend Putin doesn't sail, so it must be sad

9. America is the topest nation, greatest at everything - so why didn't America get the most sailing gold medals in the Olympics - it must be that its FIXED against America. Its FIXED! We should build a wall otherwise against these SAD sailors

10. The main stream media reports about sailing and they are just garbage, so biaised, its SAD. So SAD!

Buff and Sassi Battle for Britain on the Thames!!

Last week saw an epic battle (pic actually from this old post) between the Brexit flotilla and the Bremain-inners right here on the Thames.

This blog has an EXCLUSIVE interview with two of those actually involved, namely Sassi on the IN-boat and Buff on the OUT-boat. Let's hear first from Sassi:

Hi Guys!

OMG, last week was just awesome. Me and Saint Bob..... poor Paula and Peaches.... breaks my heart, but we were fighting the good fight!

See, the EU is like Glastonbury. Yes it might sometimes rain and get a bit muddy but even then its fab as you're in it with your mates. All types of people dancing, laughing sharing, enjoying - TOGETHER! And those nights when the band is inspired and the moon is glowing over those fields - wow, it becomes a wonderful SHARED experience. And similarly with the EU: together we can be richer and stronger than ever!

Sure you could be totally in charge of the music, sovereign-like, alone at home with Spotify, but then you'd be a no-mates type like Buff - looser!

I want a Jo Cox type of future not a weirdo like Nigel Farage! I mean look at this picture she tweeted of her husband and two kids out on the Thames... its just .....[sniff]....its...

Ed: at this point Sassi had to take a break so its time for Buff:

G'day all, Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Yours truly's been busy last couple of weeks. Little known fact that ol' Buff has been key adviser to the Brexit campaign. You read any Brexit press release? More than likely it was a bit of pure BS!!

So why is Buff for Brexit? Well its simple: enough is enough! At the 2012 Olympics Team GB got 65 medals and Australia only 35 - and things look like they can only get worse!

If our figures are right, should the UK remain in the EU it might become its richest, most powerful country! Yes, wealthier than Germany! This could be catastrophic for Australia's chances to humiliate you poms!

There is only one hope: if the UK exits, then it will be poorer, so less money for sport. Plus if Scotland breaks away it will be smaller, and a poor, little England will be easy to defeat!

So make England little again and vote exit!


Editorial

Should be clear by now this blog is firmly of the opinion that the way to vote is:

REMAIN

The flaws of the EU are small compared to the benefits its brings, and we will be safer, richer, stronger, more harmonious together with our European neighbours.

It is much easier to solve issues that we have if we have the resources to do so, and Brexit would leave us poorer and more alone in an uncertain world.

Science, economics, geopolitics, trade, values, arts, travel, history.... the list of the benefits and connections between Britain and Europe is endless.

Blog celeb advice for Tillerman

Hi Guys,

So Tillerman wants advice about how to handle celeb bloggers! Well he's come to the right place as yours truly and Buff (up next) are, like, TOTAL, experts on this topic!! I have lost count of the number of fellow social media stars I've bumped into in airports, bars and clubs!!

First up: GET A SELFIE WITH THEM!!!!

I mean, this really is social media 101. Seriously: if you don't have a selfie to post it didn't happen, its just words.

Next, VIDEO INTERVIEW!! Of course you've both got YouTube channels hungry for contents, this is, like, the ideal opportunity.

Just remember to set your phone's image stabilization on. Oh, and have a quick check with your hand mirror your hair's in place and make-up tight.

Then identify the hot topics to focus on, issues that connect your two social media brands, bring some SYNERGY to the meeting. Obv. in this case its babies - you have grandchildren, she has kids, together that means one thing:

CUTE PICS!!!!

Finally think expanding brand awareness: were you wearing your PROPER COURSE t-shirt? If not, why not? You're in an airport, could be doing social media interviews / selfies / photo-bombing MSM at any moment!! Look what Team Alison Young did at the Olympics (above).

MESSAGE RECEIVED!!

So there you go. Sassi shows she still knows her media studies course notes!

Go out there and make connections, fellow bloggers!!

Luv ya!

Sassi   ...... oops, here's Buff:




G'day all! This is Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!!

Doh! Go and have a beer with them, obviously!

This is Buff Staysail, journo and media star extrordinaire, over and out!!!

Buff spots water nymph riding a sea horse on Lake Geneva!!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!!

Well o'l Buff has had a bit of a shock. I've been out in Geneva to see if Alinghi have been foiling on the lake (to be honest I have absolutely no idea) and was admiring the view of the mountains when I saw this water nymph riding a sea horse:

OMG!!! Buff Scoops again!!!

I can tell you Buff was much impressed by this sight but moments later she had vanished:

I needed witnesses so went back to the bar to drag my new chums out but in the end decided it would be better to stay and tell them my story.

What a day!

This is yours truly, water nymph spotter, Buff Staysail, over and out riding on a sea horse!!

Buff livens up party night at the London Boat Show

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Thursday night was party night at the London Boat Show and there was free champagne flowing all over the Excel (oops, my bad)!!!

My eye was of course caught by the Sunseeker stand (above) and it was around then that I lost touch with JP as he was heading to the Yachts and Yachting Award thingy (yawn - there was a list and Buff wasn't on it) while I thought it would be better to check out the Riva Aquariva stand where there was even more champagne and a fashion show of beachwear from Nichole De Carle (holy cow JP, you so missed a treat there - see below!!!).

My head is a bit worse for wear today but I remember something about Volvo legend Knut Frostad and JP bumping into each other but maybe I got the wrong end of that stick.

This is your's truly, Boat Show Party Buff, over and out.

NDCM-boatshow-WEB-hd from Nichole de Carle on Vimeo.

Great River Race 2015: Buff's Boat

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

I told JP I'd write something on the GRR but you know how it is - couple of late nights, head a bit delicate in the morning and the post somehow gets "eaten by the hair of the dog" if you know what I mean!

But I had to comment on the legends on Hammer of the Gods who clearly had their priorities right, fortified as they were by a bottle of something suitable strong, complementing their no-nonsense look.

Buff would have been right at home here with their "no worries" rowing style:

Good sports one and all!

This is Buff Staysail, over and out!

Top Yacht Return in Doubt

Due to unforeseen circumstances, future episodes of Top Yacht are currently on hold.

The directors would like to make it clear that Buff Staysail is not being considered as a replacement presenter.

Sassi Tweet has kindly agreed to provide a fill-in programme at short notice, more details of which will be made available in the near future.

Buff's Boat Show

Yesterday Buff and I went to the London Boat Show.

You can guess where Buff went first, second and last.

Ok, he might have gone to this stand for a short while:

But did he miss out?

In the internet age where you can get YouTube video walk throughs of almost any boat, what is a modern boat show all about?

Possible answer tomorrow...

Buff's Boating Blog Drinking-Game Game

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Buff's been totally getting into the voyages of the S\V Delos! This is my sort of cruising! Warm, clear blue water, drinks to hand, home-brewed hooch and girls in bikinis!

Ol' Buff wanted to join in and found a way to do that - the Delos drinking game! It goes like this:

1. Line up a row of shots in front of you
2. Play the video (e.g. the one above)
3. Everytime someone says "sweet" you down a shot

Sweet!

But it got me thinking: surely you could do the same for other blogs? So I came up with the Boating Blog Drinking-Game Game.

Basically try to find the word that one blogger is more likely to use than another and then that's the drinking game cue. But what word to use?

This is where ol' Buff needs some help - suggestions please! Should it be "spam" for Bonnie? Should it be "rowlocks" for Chris? Should it be "hike" for Tillerman?

And what about JP?

So over to you and this is Buff Staysail, over and - hic - sweet - out!

Buff gets NAKED

G'day all! Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Have you ever woken up and had NO IDEA where you were or why?

Well that happened to ol' Buff on a sailing hol to the Caribbean recently that seems to have stirred up some fellow boaters.

I remember waking up and discovering I had a splitting headache, numb thumb and no clothes on - in a strange yacht!!

I went on deck to see where I was and what was going on, eyes sticking together and mouth dry. Jeez it was bright on deck. For quite a long time I just stood there, hands on hips, waiting for the cogs to click into place.

Jeez I felt crap. There was something I really had to do, like urgently.

Something white went drifting past. No, two things. Maybe yachts?

Jeez, never again.

Then things began to come into focus. Previously it had been Dave-boy's birthday and we'd been out painting the island red. Not a lot of what we got up to is family friendly, so just say we ended up with empty wallets having smoked or drunk anything on offer. Actually come to think of it my wallet completely vanished and there were some very odd purchases on my cards. Can't of been ol' Buff surely?

Anyhow when got back late the previous night to where we left the dinghy it had disappeared!! I thought I saw the yacht we'd chartered anchored out in the bay so got down to my birthday suit and swam for it, as did Wes. But where had Wes got to?

Then I saw him, starkers as I was, on our actual yacht - the one I was on belonged to some strangers!!! And stuck hard on my numb thumb was the ring & key to our yacht - so he'd been locked out all night!

Jeez what a mess.

So I used the dinghy the rightful owners had kindly left (must have got a water taxi ashore) and paddled cautiously over to Wes, who looked as bad as I felt.

Red eyes and red skin are not a good look.

So we had a few tinnies to ease away the pain and to be honest crashed out again.

Never again.

Don't know what happened to the two yachts we saw, they'd gone the next day. Oh, and it appeared our dinghy was still there, we'd just forgotten to look in the right place.

Doh! I suddenly remember what was urgent! I had to ring me ma to wish her happy birthday! Luckily Dave-boy had left his phone on our boat so I used it to have a good long chat with her back in Oz.

Didn't mention the reason the call was late - and don't you go telling her either!

This is Buff Staysail, fully clothed now, with Wes and Dave-boy, heading back out on the piss, over and not out - so watch out islanders!

Buff's Covent Garden Nightmare!!

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Have you noticed how the same place can mean two completely different things to two different people?

Take Covent Garden: to yours truly of course it means a good night out, with the bars and pubs, cosy corners with pretty barmaids and a glass of something cold and golden in hand. But to a square like JP it means music plus maps at Stanfords for one of his trips abroad.

But by golly last night ol' Buff got the fright of his life. I'd just had the best reunion with some of my Oz chums who'd come over - you'll remember them, Brucy, Wes, Dave-boy from my circumnavigation of Australia in a Laser.

It was a cracker of an evening and we were all tumbling out into the cool autumnal night when blow me down we saw that Covent Garden had been cut in two!!!

Some supernatural power had smashed through pillars and buildings and yet the roof was just hanging there unsupported!!!!

Jeez, that's not what I wanted to see at 2 am just after hearing Dave-boy's ghost story (my spine was nicely chilled as they say).

It was straight back to the Buff basement and I don't plan on returning soon, though I asked JP to swing by and take a photo (Ed: see above).

This is Buff Staysail, needing a stiff drink, over and out.

Buff in Gaza: the 6 billion dollar question

Darn it, by the time I got back Clemmie had gone. Shame, she seemed pretty cool in every way.

I ended up playing a game with other journos in which you chose the best way to spend 6 billion dollars from:

1. Rebuild Gaza, spending $5b on housing and use the rest for infrastructure, schools, hospitals, power plants, sewage works and a working sea port
2. Nearly a year's worth of Israeli support for its settlements in the Occupied Palestinian Territories (OPT), every one of which is illegal under international law and an obstacle to a just peace
3. Two years worth of the $3b / year US's military support for to Israel to assist it in demolishing Gaza and committing war crimes
4. Sixty America's Cup campaigns at $ 100m a pop

Ok, that last one was my idea, and it didn't get many votes.

Maybe I should have said 30 campaigns at $ 200m a pop to have a chance to win.

Time for Buff to check out that port....



To be continued...

Buff in Gaza: Talking to Hamas

Woo hoo! Buff's found a hotel!

It was great to have a proper bed though water and power are still luxuries. There's also all sorts of fellow journo's and bloggers here.

Over coffee I got chatting with Clemmie who was from Code Pink and admitted I wasn't sure about Hamas from what I'd read in the papers.

She laughed. "Buff, you shouldn't believe all the MSM's nonsense. Our founder, Medea Benjamin, is an American Jew and she came to Gaza to meet Hamas and they treated her with respect. They said repeatedly it was Israel policies they had a problem with, not Jews."

I thought about that as I read what my Norwegian doctor chum (who I met at the hospital) Mads Gilbert (great name btw) had said. 

He reminded people about the time that Norway had been occupied and how they hadn't like that either. Not that Israel has reached Nazi levels but that occupation makes people angry - like in France in the 40s or Kuwait when Iraq invaded so it will be the case while Israel occupies Palestine.

The CEO of Buff Enterprises is by no means a commie, but the presence of communists in the French Resistance was not a reason to support the Germans in their occupation. The French Resistance didn't "renounce violence" while France was occupied so why should they?

And Hamas have said many times they would accept a two state solution based upon the 1967 borders - unlike Israel - and seem to be better at keeping ceasefires:

People are people, kids are kids, the world over.

Surely at least worth talking to?

But first Buff's going for another coffee....maybe Clemmie will still be there!




To be continued...

Buff in Gaza: The people of the wastelands

Woo hoo! Ol' Buff's just had a great nights sleep!

Then it was time to head out to meet some of the people of what can only be described as a wasteland (above, from here), a landscape of pulverised buildings, courtesy of Israeli F16s.

I got chatting with some of the locals, asking them who they blamed. Silly question really, given whose F16s it was that did this to them.

They seemed a good bunch of cobbers and I constantly met highly educated people who spoke English: a "cheerful and friendly people".

And it was clear they weren't going to just give up on fighting for their rights, one way or other.

The problem, as they put it, was that Israel wants land more than peace - just look at how Israeli settlements increased constantly during the talks that went nowhere:

But an end to Israel's occupation of Palestine, so all can have peace, sounds like a winner.

If even Buff can get it, why can't everyone else?




To be continued...

Buff in Gaza: The Siege of Gaza

It was a bit quieter this morning so I could get out and about.

Jeez, what a catastrophe.

As well as journo yours truly is of course CEO of Buff Enterprises so I tried to find a fellow executive and bumped into Mohammed who was in charge of a biscuit and fruit juice company.

Well he was, as it too has been flattened. It was the biggest in Gaza but Israel wants to "destroy the economy" - why else are businesses and the power station targeted?

Even the sewage works was destroyed, targeted again and again by Israeli tank fire.

As a jet setting CEO I know it is crucial to be able to trade freely, but look at how Israeli has stopped exports since 2007:

This is an example of what they mean by the siege of Gaza: collective punishment of an entire population.

The key Palestinian demand is freedom, what we take for granted, which Israel denies them, and apparently that demand is considered unacceptable.

Why? I just don't get it.




To be continued...

Buff in Gaza: Hospitals under Attack

After the school massacre I went back the beach and found washed up on the shoreline some of the medicines that had drifted away after the Israeli's bombed our boat.

It was time for Buff to do good so I took them to a hospital.

Jeez, what chaos, even here we weren't safe from Israeli attacks:

Later Clemmie was to tell me that over half Gazan hospitals had been hit one way or other.

There was one glimmer of light - a baby born of a women killed by an Israeli attack (top), kept alive in an incubator.

Then the Israelis bombed Gaza's power station and the electricity went, and then the baby followed her mother.

Jeez.

What sort of country bombs power stations, schools and hospitals?

And what sort of country arms them, then re-arms them?




To be continued...