Its Top Yacht - For Real!!

Top Yacht Return in Doubt

Due to unforeseen circumstances, future episodes of Top Yacht are currently on hold.

The directors would like to make it clear that Buff Staysail is not being considered as a replacement presenter.

Sassi Tweet has kindly agreed to provide a fill-in programme at short notice, more details of which will be made available in the near future.

Top Yacht: Buff's says arm all sailors!

INT: Top Yacht studio, three presenters interviewing Buff Staysail who has in one hand a mince pie and the other a large glass of mulled wine.

CLARKSON

We're here with Buff Staysail who has caused more chaos to British sports and royal family than even the last month's washout rainfall.

 

BUFF STAYSAIL (to MAY)

James, me old mate, how've you been? Your agent told me you'd lost your voice, become allergic to electricity and then had to move abroad for legal reasons, yet here you are, fit and well! Good on you sport! We should grab a tinny or two after the show.

 

MAY

...er... (cough) .... that ailment might be coming back.

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

Jeez, poms, always getting sick.

 

CLARKSON

So Mr Staysail, we've been told you're a sailing journalist - what's your take on the America's Cup? Who's going to win the Vendee Globe?

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

Well of course the Alinghi campaign is the dark horse for the next America's Cup and my money is on Sam Davies for that French race.

 

Clarkson and Hammond exchange glances and smiles

 

CLARKSON

So who exactly do you work for?

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

I'm freelance, not tied down, ready for anything - do you want my CV?

 

Buff passes Clarkson some ragged pieces of paper.

 

CLARKSON, holding them gingerly

It's all wet

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

Might have spilled some of that mulled wine of yours on it. Bit of waste, as its good stuff.

 

Buff downs the remains of his glass and looks around hopefully.

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

Any chance of some more? I've only had five glasses.

 

CLARKSON

So the mystery of your unemployment is explained.

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

I'm currently putting together a proposal for a campaign for the NRA in America - it's a Buff Enterprises at-risk project.

 

HAMMOND

Do you mean the National Rifle Association?

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

That's right. I've noticed that very few sailors are armed and it's time to lock and load while tacking and gybing!

 

CLARKSON, HAMMOND and MAY

What????

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

Just think of the market - I mean, safety potential - of all sailors having a gun. Just handguns for dinghy sailors obviously, but every yacht should have an automatic rifle or two. Just what you'd need when pirates come up the Chesapeake!!

 

CLARKSON

What pirates?

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

You can't expect there not to be pirates when all yachts have guns, its just common sense. Jeez, keep up. But I have the solution to that - rocket launchers!

 

CLARKSON, HAMMOND and MAY

What????

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

Well if the good guys don't have rocket launchers then the bad guys win - stands to reason.

 

MAY

Or be like the UK which has gun control and a firearm related homicide rate just 2.5% of that in the US.

 

BUFF STAYSAIL

I'm not going to mention that in my proposal - jeez, I'm not stupid you know!

 

CLARKSON

On that bomb-shell, it's good night and keep safe.

Top Yacht: ITS THE END OF THE WORLD!!

INT: After the section on the dangers of sailing in heavy seas with a spinnaker, its back to the studio:

CLARKSON

Well after that film that showed the exception that proves the rule that MORE POWER is always a good thing, its time for the Top Yacht Review of the Year!

Audience cheers!

CLARKSON

So what did you get up to May?

MAY

Well in April I went along with my chum Oz Clarke to see the University Boat Race and very pleasant it was too apart from the two swimmers....

CLARKSON

Two? I thought there was just the one.

MAY

Actually there was another. There was this Australian sailing journalist (or so he said) called Buff Staysail that kept hanging around with us and so I asked whether it was possible to swim out to the boats as they went by - on a purely hypothetical basis you understand - and off he went.

CLARKSON

That's strange, because one of my highlights was the Diamond Jubilee and I was in charge of keeping the Duke's hip flask full with Scotland's finest when we were distracted by what can only be described as someone mooning Her Majesty the Queen, and royal protection told me it was an Australian alleged sailing journalist called Buff Staysail.

HAMMOND

You know this is weird, because I was down in Weymouth for the sailing and some chums of mine let me try out the police jet skiis. Everyone was having a great afternoon protecting the racing areas when we were joined by a frankly worse for wear over-weight Australian called Buff Staysail on a pedalo with a worrying interest in female sailors

Beat.

CLARKSON

There seems to a common theme here.... does anyone know this Buff Staysail?

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE

I'm Buff Staysail!!

CLARKSON

Well, would you like to come and join us, Mr Staysail!

Sensation! Buff Staysail on Top Yacht! What on Earth is going on??

It can only be THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

Top Yacht yacht dive

Top Yacht logo & post advert theme

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

CLARKSON

We're back! Yes it's time for the Christmas special Top Yacht!

Audience cheers!

HAMMOND

And first up we have a morality tale about what happens where certain people, mentioning no names, Jeremy, put speed above safety

MAY

That's right. We were doing a race with what looks like a bunch of frog eaters when, well see for yourself:

EXT: on a racing yacht at sea, wild conditions, heading downwind in breaking waves (see video below)

HAMMOND (on the tiller):

Woo hoo!! Look at that! 15 knots!!

MAY (popping head out of companion way):

Easy boy racer, trying to brew myself a cup of tea down here

CLARKSON

We're not going fast enough. Let's put up the spinnaker!!

HAMMOND and MAY

What?

CLARKSON

More power!!

HAMMOND and MAY

What??

CLARKSON

MORE POWER!!!

HAMMOND

We heard you. What we meant was "what?" - or rather "why?"

MAY

Or rather "are you crazy?"

CLARKSON (preparing lines etc)

You can never have too much power, it's a well known fact. 

HAMMOND

I have a very bad feeling about this

CLARKSON (heading for foredeck):

Trust me: what can possibly go wrong?

MAY

Oh seacock!

Video via: the horse's mouth

Top Yacht: The Less is More Challenge Ends

Ext: Icelandic beach, our three presenters and Lisa the Laser

Clarkson: Right, this is the big one, the crossing to Greenland, over 150 nautical miles of open water in the little boat that James insists on calling Lisa.

(beat)

Clarkson: To be honest none of us are looking forward to this, its so far we will have to sail at night and its freezing cold waters that can turn storm like at a moments notice.

Hammond (in a dry suit): But we've come so far so here goes, again its up to me to start us off

He gets in the dinghy and heads out to sea.

Clarkson: Right, off to the support boat

May: I have a very bad feeling about this

Ext: offshore, May is sailing the Laser.

Voice over (Clarkson): Initially all went well, made good time and no one fell in. Then it got dark, the wind got up, and yours truly found himself in a bit of a pickle....

Ext: view from webcam attached to base of Laser's mast. It has capsized so horizon is a vertical line. Clarkson is swimming in a survival suit.

Clarkson: [Beeping] [Beep] [Beep]. This is seriously bad news. A gust plus freak wave came out the darkness and there was nothing I could do. Now I can't get back in, can't get the Laser back up and I think the light at the top of the mast has gone out - water damage no doubt. Oh [Beeb]

He tries again to get back on the Laser but is too cold, tired, inflexible, and constrained by his survival suit.

Clarkson: How can they find me in the dark now? Just have to try the old fashioned way

He cups his hand over his mouth and cries out "Help!". As he does so he lets go of the Laser which drifts away.

Clarkson: Oh my God!

Int: Support ship, sleeping quarters, May is sleeping when he is waken by Hammond

May: What now?

Hammond: This is serious, we've lost Lisa and Clarkson, its night, its cold, and survival times are pretty low at the best of times

Ext: support boat, May and Hammond rush on deck and try to scan the water with torches.

Hammond: Sh! I can hear something!

They listen and can just hear a whistle blowing in the dark

May: That must be him! Quick lets take the RIB and search for him

Ext: Clarkson is helped onboard, wrapped in blankets and rushed below

Int: Main cabin of support boat, all three presenters around a table, Clarkson drinking hot tea.

Hammond: You have no idea how lucky you are that we didn't miss you in the dark

Clarkson says nothing, just nods and shivers

May: Poor old Lisa...

Ext: coastline of Greenland, waves pounding on cliffs,

Voice over (May): Eventually we found Lisa, but it was too late, she hadn't survived the journey, being broken in two by the hard, icy cold shoreline. We had failed.....

Int: Top Yacht Studio. Audience applauds, all three presenters shake their heads.

Clarkson: Yet again we were ambitious but crap

Hammond: Forget that, you almost went the same way as Lisa and ended up smashed to pieces, drowned, frozen or simply lost at sea

May: Crossing the Atlantic by Laser might be possible but it certainly is very, very dangerous. Maybe those health and safety people have - for once - a point.

Clarkson: And with that bombshell, its good night!

Top Yacht: Sailing Star in a Standard Laser

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Before the final clip from our Less is More Challenge it's time to put a Sailing Star in our Standard Laser. This week we have a legend of offshore sailing - ladies and gentleman, Mike Golding!

Audience applauds.

Clarkson: Mike?

May and Hammond appear instead

Clarkson: What are you doing here? Where is Mike?

Hammond: There's been a little hiccup

Clarkson: What?

May: Well he was about to start out when a fluke burst of lightening hit a tree which then crashed onto his car

Hammond: He tried to call for a cab but then really unluckily a meteorite hit the local telephone exchange.

May: So he ran 5 miles to the nearest train station where due to a bizarre sequence of events involving goats and the overflow from a sewage works all trains were cancelled.

(beat)

Clarkson: So he's not coming?

Hammon: No, he says sorry - next time!

Clarkson: Well, they don't call him the most unlucky sailor for nothing.

Top Yacht: The Less is More Challenge Part 2

Ext: Sandy beach in Orkneys: Our three presenters are standing with their backs to strong winds and rain. Waves are crashing on the beach behind them and sand is being blown almost horizontal.

Clarkson: Ok, so here we are in the Orkney islands about to take up Hammond's simply stupid challenge to sail a Laser-

May: - called Lisa -

Clarkson: - to sail a Laser with the stupid name of Lisa across the Atlantic and from here its an 88 nautical mile passage to the next stop, the Shetlands.

Hammond: That's not too bad, really, don't laugh, in a decent wind that's a 12 hour or so sail and if we take in turns that 4 hours each, look we can do that!

May: But not in this howling gale.

Hammond: Ok, maybe these aren't the ideal weather conditions

Clarkson: Who's going to join me in a cultural exploration of the Orkneys?

May: If you're thinking what I'm thinking, then yes!

Clarkson: Where to go first? Highland Park or Scapa?

May: Neither, a pub which has both whiskeys!

Clarkson: You're on, lets go somewhere dry with a roaring peat fire.

They head off, fade out.

Fade in to: sunny day, blue skies, gentle breeze and a sandy beach where Lisa the Laser is on her trailer.

Hammond (in a dry suit): Ok, so this is it. The weather forecast guru's have said we have a 24 hour window to do the crossing: if we leave now we'll get the tide and should be at the Shetlands by sunset.

May: And as it was all his idea, Hammond goes first

Clarkson: Me and May will stay safely in the support boat.

They launch the Laser, Hammond climbs on and sails off.

Hammond: I'm off, next stop the Shetlands, see you in 4 hours for the handover!

Clarkson and May watch him sail off.

Clarkson: We could just let him do it himself and head off to the pub again.

Beat

May: But you did get banned from every pub on every island

Beat

Clarkson (sighing): I guess we better go.

They climb in the waiting RIB and head out to the support boat.

EXT: Hammond sailing along in the open see.

Hammond: This is just superb sailing. Moderate winds, gentle swell, making nearly 10 knots, should be there in plenty of time.

Voice over (May): All went fine for Hammond's leg, then of course it was Clarkson so things went wrong.

EXT: Inside support boat by radio set

Clarkson voice from radio: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

May: Oh sea-cock, what's up now

They go outside and look over side at Clarkson, who seems to be sailing along quite nicely

Hammond (yelling): What's up now?

Clarkson: There's a shark - I saw a shark, I promise you!!

A fin breaks the surface just past Lisa

Clarkson: Look - look!!

Hammond (quietly to May): This is too good to waste, lets tell him its a great white.

May: No, he'll only panic

Hammond (shouting): But its a basking shark you wally, won't hurt a fly!

Clarkson: But its huge!!

Shark swims off.

Clarkson: Ok, that's it, time for May to take over.

Cut to: May comes on deck in dry suit and climbs into the RIB which heads over to Lisa and then Clarkson and May swap places

Clarkson: It's north remember, north, which is that way (he points)

May: No problem, see you at the Shetlands

May sails off. Cut to:

Ext: Beach on the Shetlands at sunset. Lisa is being sailed towards the beach by May. As it comes ashore with a crunch:

May: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do that!

Clarkson (opening a champagne bottle): We did it! We are ambitious and not crap!

Hammond (taking a glass): Hate to break it to you but we have two more hops to go before we get to Iceland, and that's only the beginning...

What will happen next? Can this trio really cope with the longest leg of all, from the Faroes to Iceland, 240 nautical miles non-stop across some of the most treacherous waters on the planet?

Tune in after the advert break to find out....

Top Yacht: The Less is More Challenge Part 1

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Now earlier we described the latest of the Top Yacht Challenges. This one was bigger and no doubt crazier than anything we had done earlier - to sail across the Atlantic by Laser. And can I just add - it was all Hammond's idea.

Hammond: But it wasn't all in one go but in six stages and with three sailors taking it in turns to sail our little Laser, which of course May decided to give a name and called her Lisa.

Clarkson: So Lisa set off from Putney with Aqua Stig, Ben Ainslie and Anna Tunnicliffe taking turns to sail her. First leg was along the East coast of England and Scotland up to the Orkneys.

May: And an interesting time they had of it. They got stuck in Aldeburgh when conditions in the North Sea were a bit dodgy, almost got run over by a container ship outside Newcastle, got told off for not showing enough lights in the Forth, and by the time they got to the destination they were quite glad to hand Lisa over to us to do the offshore leg to Iceland.

Clarkson: 677 nautical miles in 7 days was pretty good going, but we had a lot tougher challenge ahead of us. 834 nautical miles to Iceland, with two long offshore legs from the Orkneys to the Shetland Islands and then from the Faroes to Iceland.

Hammond: The last of these was 240 nautical miles of open water. Arctic conditions where storms can appear without notice and where survival times in the freezing water was measured in minutes.

May: It was therefore with much misgiving that we packed our dry suits and fly off to the Orkneys to take up the challenge.....

Top Yacht: The News - America's Cup Update

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: More news - an update on the America's Cup

Audience groans, May and Hammond shake their heads in disbelief and Clarkson holds up a piece of paper

Clarkson: The latest press release. I'm losing the will to live let alone read it

May: Does it mention lawyers?

Clarkson (looking at paper): Yes

Hammon: Does it mention any sailing?

Clarkson: No - so its clearly of no interest

He scrumples it up into a ball and throws at the audience.

Clarkson: This is beyond a joke, its... what's the word?

May: Foolish?

Clarkson: No, worse than that

Hammond: Stupid?

Clarkson: No, worse than that!

May: What's worse than foolish and stupid?

Hammond: Us!

Audience laughs and claps

Clarkson: Yes - even we couldn't [beep] up the America's Cup like this. I mean really how hard could it be to come up with an idea? When it comes to that, what was wrong with the last one?

Hammond: Nothing, great racing, good winds, excellent really

May: ...and Valencia - excellent food and wine!

Clarkson: Yes, May, that's what's important on a program called Top Yacht! But he's right, you're right, why not just do it again, every four years.

Hammond: Plus talk to the Vendee Globe and Volvo lot to make sure each are every four years but not the same year.

Clarkson: Yes! So we'd have the America's Cup, the Volvo, the Vendee, and then what for the last year?

May: The Olympics of course

Clarkson and Hammond: Yes!

Clarkson: So there you are, if we three bunch of ambitious but crap sailors can sort out the mess there really is no excuse.

Top Yacht: The News - Man Overboard!

Top Yacht logo & post advert theme

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Welcome back! We'll catch up on the Top Yacht Less is More Trans-Atlantic Laser Challenge later in the show but first its the news.

May: And we kick off with a sobering video from the Clipper Round the World race. Arthur Bowers was racing on Humber and Hull....

Hammond: You mean Hull and Humber!

May: Do I?

Hammond: Yes.

May: Ok, well anyhow Arthur Bowers was racing in the Clipper Round the World Race on Hull and Humber when he got washed overboard in the South Atlantic during a storm.

Clarkson: Now I'm not one for these health and safety wallies but when it comes to clipping on during a storm this is a definitely no brainer. All I can say is do watch this video and see what happens when man overboard is not a drill.

Click here for the video.

Top Yacht - The Less is More Challenge

Top Yacht logo & post advert theme

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: We're back! Yes it's time for a new series of Top Yacht!

Audience cheers!

Clarkson (waving in his hand a piece of paper): And we start with a letter from a viewer, an American - apparently they do a bit of sailing over there - who calls himself Tillerman. And he asks why do we muck around in big boats rather than the wonderful Laser? Haven't we ever heard of the concept that less is more?

Camera viewpoint lowers so Clarkson at 6 foot 6 inches towers above the viewer.

Clarkson: This is clearly complete bollocks. And I mean a Laser, the designers obviously hadn't realised that people grow up

May: And I agreed - after all what good is a boat that's too small for a kettle to make a nice cup of tea! So if it had been up to us the letter would have been crumpled up into a ball so we could play a quick game of football.

Hammond: But luckily it wasn't opened by these two oversized morons but by me! I've always liked the Laser as its clearly the right size and terrific fun to sail. But how to show these two sceptics there is more to it than meets the eye? So I had this idea, a challenge: starting, say, from Putney London, how far could we sail a Laser?

Clarkson: So what do we think? From Putney how far could we sail a Laser?

Voice from the audience: Putney!

Clarkson: Oh very funny! Ok, hands up all those that think we could get to Tower Bridge?

Most of the audience put their hands up.

May: Slightly worried that not everyone thinks we could even sail a Laser from Putney to Tower Bridge!

Audience sniggers.

Clarkson: Ok, how about a bit further, say Greenwich, that's 11 nautical miles?

Some of the audience put hands down.

May: What about the Tilbury Docks, that's nearly thirty nautical miles and pretty much out to sea?

All of the audience now have put their hands down.

The three look at each other smirking.

Clarkson: Go on, you tell them.

Hammond: Well I decided that in true Top Yacht tradition we should be really ambitious and suggested New York.

Gasps, a few laughs, then silence from the audience.

May: You might think he's joking, because we certainly did, but then he explained.

Hammond: The key bit was that I asked how far we could sail the Laser - we, us three. If we took it in turns and had something a bit like a watch system, could we together sail this little boat across the wide Atlantic?

Clarkson: Of course at this point the health and safety idiots got involved and this being the BBC we couldn't just set them on fire or something and ignore all that stupid stuff about the dangers of sailing a one person dinghy in a gale at night.

May: To keep them happy, as well as a watch system we were allowed to go to the nearest land and pull the Laser up the beach as long as we launched at the same point.

Clarkson: Then there was the issue that we of course are very busy people with supermarkets to open, adverts to do voice overs for, that sort of thing. So for most of the actual sailing we'd need stand-ins to take the place of us three.

May: And the three we got were Aqua Stig, Ben Ainslie and Anna Tunnicliffe, as they sort of know a thing or two about Lasers. But the key offshore legs would be up to us.

Hammond: So there you, the Top Yacht sail a Laser across the Atlantic challenge!

Advert break. Are they mad? Could you sail a Laser across the Atlantic? Could those three? Keep watching to find out the answer....

Is Ben Ainslie Aqua Stig?

Howdy folks, Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

I'm out here in the fair state of California and was asked by JP to post while he was off up the Orinoco or whatever he's doing, and I've got a pippin for you too. My research amungst the Bay area sailors has revealed what has long been sailings big secret, namely who is behind those famous all weather gears of Top Yacht's Aqua Stig.

It is I can exclusively reveal none other than Ben Ainslie - three times gold medalist and of course a world expert of Laser sailing.

I'm sure you'll all be as excited at me at this scoop and ask JP for more of the ol' BS magic!

Update: JP here, just got back, and what sort of post do you call that Buff? It was late and of course is complete tosh as Aqua Stig and Ben Ainslie completed against each other in the [censured] Laser Championship back in [censored] and there are photos of them together on the quay side of [censored] which can be found by a quick google. Did you do that research late at night in some bar?

Update - update! BS here again, hey, well I won't bother next time! And by the way what ever you do not ask JP about his travels as he's already been yacking away about eating termites, swimming in rivers where there are pirana fish, and something about the curious incident of the frog in the night time.

Top Yacht: Cross Channel Race, Part 2

EXT: Folkstone harbour: Hammond and May are sailing an old Wayfarer.

Hammond: Right, so here we go. We've got to sail to shore, load this old heap onto a trailer, then take drive to the Channel Tunnel to zoom us to Calais before Clarkson can sail across in the Class 40 (he points out to sea)

May: What is he doing?

Hammond: If he had any sense, which is unlikely, he'd be trying to get the mainsail up.

EXT: Class 40 yacht: Clarkson is trying to winch up the main sail

Clarkson: God almighty this is hard work!

He winches a couple of clicks round, the stops panting. The camera turns round to show the sail is only about half way up.

Clarkson: I just can't do any more.

Camera man (off screen): That can't be enough?

Clarkson: Well you do it then! Tell you what, Clive, if you'll get that sail all the way up I'll give you twenty quid.

Clive the camera man (off screen): Surely that's not allowed

Clarkson: Fifty then, and that's my final offer.

Camera is put down at an angle and we hear the winching start again while Clarkson makes fake "Gosh this is so hard work" sounds.

EXT: Slipway in Folkstone Harbour. Hammond is reversing car with trailer down to water where May waits with the Wayfarer.

Hammond: I had to do this bit as you just know May can't do the reversing bit. Never does get it right.

May gets the Wayfarer on and tied down, but the mast is still up.

May: Ok of we go

Hammond: What about the mast?

May: Its ok, I've checked on Google Earth and there's no bridges between here and the Channel Tunnel

Cut to: EXT: They have stopped where the road goes under a railway line.

May: Oh seacock!

Hammond rolls his eyes. May gets out to take down the mast. Shot of line of cars behind them, honking horns etc.

EXT: On the Class 40: Clarkson drops the mooring line, backs the main, and they head off.

Clarkson: See that was easy, and I did it all by myself!

Cut to shot of them sailing out of Folkstone Harbour.

EXT: at the Channel Tunnel, Hammond and May are in a queue of cars.

Hammond: Hurry up, hurry up, don't want to miss our crossing.

EXT: On the Class 40: Clarkson is steering merrily away.

Clarkson: This is the life, out at sea, not stuffed in some sardine tin in a concrete pipe some where down there (he points downwards). Fantastic boat this, totally responsive and reaching like this we're going over 10 knots already!

Something starts beeping.

Clarkson: What can that be?

It beebs some more

Clarkson: Sounds like the depth gauge warning, but how can that be out here.

Clive the camera man (off screen) What about the Varne Sandbank?

Clarkson: But that is only a problem at low water in springs.... oh bugger! Tacking!

Cut to: INT: Inside the Channel Tunnel train: it is moving. Both Hammond and May are sitting in the Wayfarer pretending to be sailing.

May: This must be the most relaxing Channel crossing I've ever done.

Hammond: Could do this in t-shirt and shorts even in depths of winter!

May: In a Force 10 and at night!

Cut to: EXT: Class 40: the French coastline can be seen close by now

Clarkson: There we are, that's France, we've done, a single handed all by myself crossing of the Channel. Now we've just got to moor up and I can have some steak frite avec du vin!

Cut to: INT: Hammond and May are in the car waiting for their turn to exit.

Hammond: Come on, come on, we've got to beat him!

May: Where do you think he is?

Hammond: Don't know, but he must be almost here

Cut to EXT: Class 40 approaching Calais

Clarkson (chart in hand): Where IS that buoy? Can you see it Clive?

Camera moves from right to left and back again as Clive shakes his head

Cut to EXT: Calais roads: Hammond and May are driving the car towing the Wayfarer

May: Down there, that road! Turn right!

Hammond: You're crazing its this way (he turns left)

Cut to EXT: Slip way in Calais. Hammond is reversing car so Wayfarer can be launched.

Hammond: Right he says! Is he always completely wrong about directions!

May (pointing out to see): Quick, I can see him, he's approaching the buoy!!

Hammond: What? No way? (he looks out to sea) Oh no........

Cut to EXT: Class 40 approaching buoy.

Clarkson: Oh yes, I'm going to beat them. Yet again!

He stands with boat hook ready to pick up the line. The Class 40 stops about 2 metres short and then begins to drift backwards.

Clarkson: Oh ****!!!!

Cut to EXT: Calais slipway: They have the Wayfarer in the water and are completing rigging her.

Hammond: He's missed! He's missed the mooring!

May: Yes!!

Hammond: We can still beat him!

Cut to EXT: Class 40: Clarkson is trying to sail her back up to the buoy.

Clarkson: Oh God! This is close! I can see them. I've got maybe one chance - at best - to do this.

The camera pans from him to the approaching Wayfarer.

Clarkson: Clive, how does another fifty sound?

Cut to EXT: Wayfarer with Hammond and May on-board

Hammond: What's he doing?

Shout from the Class 40 - Clarkson: I've done it!! I've got the line!

May: Oh seacock!

Cut to: Class 40, all three presenters are sitting on cabin having a cup of tea.

Hammond: So lets just go through this again.

Clarkson: Ok

Hammond: You managed to moor up all by yourself.

Clarkson: Yup

May: Without any outside assistance

Clarkson: Yes!

Hammond: And the on-board camera mysteriously had a malfunction just for that period so we can't see you actually do it.

Clarkson: Er..... yes?

May: hmmmmm.....

(beat)

Hammond: Well, obviously we have to believe you.

May: Do we?

Hammond: And so we have to conclude that a Class 40 is quicker across the Channel than evan a Eurotunnel powered Wayfarer.

Charkson: That's right.

(beat)

May: As long as it's not sailed single handed.....

Hammond (pointing at Clarkson) .... by him!

Clarkson: Fine by me. Good night!

Top Yacht: Star in our standard Laser

Top Yacht logo & post advert theme

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Welcome back. We'll have more on our cross channel race later in the show, but now its time to put a star in our standard Laser.

This week we don't just have a legend, he's the sort of guy legends call legendary. He is officially the most successful musician ever, he's a quarter of the greatest band of all time, he is the one and only SIR PAUL McCARTNEY!

Audience cheers! Sir Paul McCartney walks up and shakes hands with Clarkson, who does a "we're not worthy" bow.

Clarkson: I can not tell you how much I've been looking forward to meeting you.

McCartney: Thank you, its good to be here.

Clarkson: strokes his legs as per Reeves and Mortimer and turns to the audience: (whispers) He's really here!

Audience laughs!

Clarkson: So Sir Paul, what's your sailing history?

McCartney: I've always enjoyed a bit of sailing when on holiday, its a good way to unwind, to get relaxed.

Clarkson: We've noticed that. This seems to be you on a Sunfish.

They show the following picture on the tv:

The audience laughs.

Clarkson: You don't seem to be doing that much sailing!

McCartney: As you can see it worked and when that was taken was feeling really relaxed.

Clarkson: So your lap, how do you think it went?

McCartney: It was good, Aqua Stig was fantastic. Does he ever take off those clothing?

Clarkson: You mean the all weather gear? No, for the Aqua Stig all weather means just that - he wears it whatever the weather!

Audience laughs

Clarkson: Done much Laser sailing?

McCartney: A little, in between sailing the Sunfish: a good fun sailing boat

Clarkson: Shall we see his lap?

Audience: Yes!

Clarkson: Roll the tape!

EXT: Out on the Top Yacht race course, McCartney is sailing back and forth in a Laser Radial.

Clarkson (voice over): So you're ready for the start, good positioning

Gun goes off, McCartney sails across line

Clarkson (voice over): Heading off on port tack, interesting...

McCartney (voice over): Well there was no other boats to worry about so I thought I'd try and do the windward leg in two tracks

McCartney sails his Laser Radial towards the windward mark.

Clarkson (voice over): Looking good, keeping the boat nice and flat

McCartney tacks.

Clarkson (voice over): Oooh... not sure about that, looks a bit soon

McCartney (voice over): It was!

McCartney tacks twice to get round the mark

Clarkson (voice over): Nice tidy turn.

McCartney sails downwind

Clarkson (voice over): hmm... not sure about that

McCartney (voice over): I remember the Aqua Stig said something about to sit but when I was out there clear forgot.

McCartney gybes, the boat rolls alarmingly as he crosses over

Clarkson (voice over): Nearly! Almost got you in then! Now you're almost there.....

McCartney crosses the line

INT. Back to studio: audience applauds

Clarkson, indicating the board: So where do you think you are?

McCartney: I have no idea, hopefully better than Sting!

Clarkson: Oh, yes, you're above him. You did in it.... (he pauses dramatically) in 5 minutes 25 seconds!!!

Audience cheers!

Clarkson: You're third!

McCartney: That's great, very pleased by that.

Clarkson: Well its been an absolute dream come true to have you in the studio, ladies and gentlemen, Sir Paul McCartney!!!

Top Yacht: Cross Channel Race, Part 1

Credits, Top Yacht intro music

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Good evening and welcome to Top Yacht! Tonight we start with some viewer's letters

Hammond (holding a letter): Actually just the one letter, but it was a good one. A mister T. Man wanted to know why we spent our time blowing up J101's and drooling over Volvo 70s, rather than real world sailing.

May: You know, such as what would be a good boat to sail across the Channel, or a safe family dinghy.

Hammond: And we were really up for doing a proper, sensible, report into that. But alas the letter was opened by.... guess who?

Hammond and May point at Clarkson who shrugs his shoulders. The audience laughs.

Clarkson (raising his hands): Wait, wait. I know what you thinking, but for once I listened to our viewers needs, and decided what we needed to do is have one of our Top Yacht Races!

The audience cheers.

Clarkson: But of course we didn't want just do one of those standard RORC style across the Channel to Cherboug with IRC rules race, so we decided ...

Hammond (interupting): You mean "you decided"

Clarkson: If I can just finish! So I wondered, what would be the quickest across the Channel, a yacht or a dinghy?

May: I see, so you wanted to race some light weight skiffs like the 49ers against an equivalent form of racing yacht? That actually would be quite interesting.

Clarkson: No, what I wanted to do is race one of the latest Class 40 yachts against this old Wayfarer.

He indicates to a very old and heavy wood built Wayfarer dinghy.

Hammond: That old thing? It hasn't a chance!

Clarkson: What if I could tell you I could get that Wayfarer up to a hundred miles per hour?

May: Not rocket powered sailing again!

Clarkson: No.

Hammond: You haven't been smoking those "special" cigarettes have you?

Clarkson: No, think about it....

Cut to: EXT, Folkstone harbour. All three are sitting on a Class 40 moored along with the Wayfarer against a bright yellow buoy.

Clarkson: So here we are in Folkstone, its a lovely day, 10 - 15 knots of wind from south west and Calais is about 26 nautical miles that way.

He points out to sea: its ESE if you're interested.

Clarkson: I'm going to sail over to Calais in this typical every day yacht ...

Hammond (interrupting): Its only typical if you're an offshore single handed sailor

Clarkson: ... and you're going to race me in that dinghy.

May: But how?

Hammond: Aaahh! I've just had an idea. We don't have to sail all the way do we?

Clarkson: No

Hammond: Now this is interesting.

May: I don't follow

Hammond: There is another way to Calais. We go under the Channel.

Clarkson: That's right. While I hoist my sails and head out to sea, you head off in the opposite direction, load the dinghy onto the trailor, and drive to the Eurotunnel terminal.

Hammond: Where we zoom along at about a hundred miles an hour or something to Calais, drive to the port, unload the dinghy and see which of us gets there first.

Clarkson: Exactly. First one to moor up to a buoy in Calais harbour wins.

May and Hammond: You're on!

Advert break! So who do you think will win this Top Yacht race! You'll have to keep watching to find out......

Top Yacht Challenges: The Rules

Credits, Top Yacht intro music

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Good evening, and welcome to a very special Top Yacht!

For many years we've wondered why more people don't following sailing races.....

Hammond: Like for example those crowds that support for Touring Car races.

Clarkson: ... so we wondered what it could be and the answer seemed simple. The rules are too complicated.

May (waving rule book around): And these two adrenalin junkies might for once have a point - I mean look at all this (reads from book) "Giving room".... "Overlapped at the zone"...."Not overlapped at the zone". Could anyone on shore or on their sofa give a monkey's BEEB about all that?

Clarkson: So we thought, lets make it simple and have just three rules: 1) You have to sail the course i.e. no engines 2) If you cross the line before the gun starts you have to heave to until someone climbs the mast and 3) ........ no can't remember the third

May: And 3) you have to wear safety gear.

Clarkson: Bla bla bla! Anyway, we thought we'd try out these new rules and so got ourselves each a J101 with some professional crew, made a couple of suitable modifications, put on our crash helmets and went out to the Solent.

Hammond: And this is what happens if you try and make sailing more like Touring Car racing.......

EXT: Solent, shot of three boats manoevering around a start line. Clarkson, Hammond and May are each onboard a J101.

Hammod: Right, so this is the start, so remember there are NO rules except get round the course, and what we are trying to do is push Jeremy across the line. Literally.

Two J101's are heading to windward just the right side of the line. The leeward one heads up, colliding with the windward one. There is a great screatching sound, and the big mark along its the windward boats and it is pushed over the line.

Clarkson: That little toe-rag: have you seen what he's done to our boat?

A gun goes off.

Clarkson: That's it we're off! What?

Voice out of shot: We were across the line!

Clarkson: No!

Hammond: (laughing)

Clarkson: So we've heaved too and the skipper has selected the lightest to go up the mast - thank God I eat lots of pies.

He grabs his belly: Look at that, no one's going to haul me up the mast.

Hammond: Right one down, now lets get May.

May: While those two were messing about - as usual - we just sailed off nice and steady

Leaving Clarkson's J101 heaved too as one of the crew is winched skywards, Hammond and May's J101's head off to windward.

May: So we're still ahead of Hammond. Soon we're going to tack: doesn't matter about port and starboard but being ahead does.

Hammond: right, we've got overlap: now this is important! Not of course because of the rules (yawn) but because we can get him if he tries to tack across us.

May (loudly): Hammond: we've got to tack - its shoal water over here!

Hammond: Can't hear you!

May (more loudly): Hammond: we really have to tack right now.

Hammond: Just you try!

May's J101 tries to tack, but the bow of Hammond's boat pushes his boat's head back: for a moment it is in irons, then, as Hammond's boat pushes further, it returns on the old tack. Mean while Hammond tacks.

May: Hammond!!!

May's J101 judders to a grinding halt and the mast snaps in two.

May: Oh Sea-Cock!!

Meanwhile......

Clarkson: While those two have been distracted, we've done our penalty mast climb and are about to grab the lead. I can see the top mark coming up now.

Hammond: That's what he thinks. Actually we're still just slightly ahead!

The two J101's approach the mark from opposite tacks: it is very very close.

Clarkson: Right Hamster, this is where we unleash our secret weapon. You know how J101's have that bowsprity thing out the front? Well we've made some modifications.....

The two boats get closer together, then it can be seen they are on collision course.

Hammond: Get out of the way Clarkson!!

Clarkson: Right: brace for impact, tighten up the back-stays, be ready to take the tension off the main.

There is a huge crash as Clarkson's J101 rams Hammonds midships.

Hammond: What have you done?

Voice off camera: There's water coming in!!

Clarkson: Oh yes, we moved the bowsprit till it was under the water, strengthened it, then sharpened it. Oh yes, we're a J101 with a battering ram!

Clarkson's J101 turns around the mark and hoists their asymmetric.

Hammond: I'm not having that.

Hammond reaches for the flare box and launches a rocket flare into Clarkson's asymmetric. It goes up in flames, followed by the main.

Clarkson: Abandon ship!

Hammond: Abandon ship!

As one J101 burns away and another gradually sinks we see the RNLB lifeboat rushing to rescue them.

Voice over (Clarkson): So there you have it: the new Top Yacht rules results in one dismasting, one sinking and one J101 burnt to the water line.

As all too often we were ambitous but unsuccessful.

What TV program is the Vendee Globe?

I posted previously how the Volvo TV show reminded me a bit of Top Gear as its rather un-PC but with high entertainment value. And I still do - can't you just picture the scene:

INT: Studio, big sign says "Top Yacht". Three presenters are doing the cool wall.

Clarkson (for it is he): So what do we think, Volvo 70s, cold or super cold?

Audience, misc: cold! Super cold! Freezing! etc etc

Clarkson: You know the old Volvo 60, good yachts, but these new ones. God they're fast!!

Hamster: That's right, that extra 10 feet make all the difference - and there's a canting keel too!

Clarkson: The power is just awesome, I just can't say no to it

HamsterHammond: The Stig took one out for a spin - think I saw him hitting 40 knots on the Top Yacht course.

May: Of course they'll need ice gates now.

Clarkson and Hammond look at him in disgust, shake heads, raise eyebrows etc

May: If they're going 40 knots and hit an iceberg its all over, all this fancy carbon fibre, give me solid steel any day.

Clarkson: Well, thank you Mr Health and Safety, but who cares, I want one.

He slaps picture of V070 at the ice-cold end of the board and the audience cheers.


You see what I mean? It would so work.

But what TV show would the Vendee Globe be? I haven't had chance to see for myself what its actual TV coverage is like but it surely would be more character based. Maybe a TV drama series - or even dare I say it a soap.

The skippers would be the focus, not the just the power of the boats, and interactions between them drive the story forward, with a cliff hanger at the end of each episode:
- when will the curse of Mike Golding strike?
- can anyone get to poor Jean le Cam before his yacht sinks?
- who will get in first, Roxy or Safram?

and of course:
- When will Elies be rescued, broken leg and all?

There'd also be the light humorous story line to keep spirits up and Sam would do her bit with stories of lost chocolate, karaoke, iPod dancing etc.

Of course a soap never ends so it can't be that. I'd suggest a drama like Lost but that series is just too irritating. So maybe something classical, like Dicken's Bleak House, printed in 20 instalments.

What do you think?