Sunday, March 15, 2009

Top Yacht: Cross Channel Race, Part 1

Credits, Top Yacht intro music

INT: Top Yacht studio, usual three presenters, studio audience, various boats hanging behind etc

Clarkson: Good evening and welcome to Top Yacht! Tonight we start with some viewer's letters

Hammond (holding a letter): Actually just the one letter, but it was a good one. A mister T. Man wanted to know why we spent our time blowing up J101's and drooling over Volvo 70s, rather than real world sailing.

May: You know, such as what would be a good boat to sail across the Channel, or a safe family dinghy.

Hammond: And we were really up for doing a proper, sensible, report into that. But alas the letter was opened by.... guess who?

Hammond and May point at Clarkson who shrugs his shoulders. The audience laughs.

Clarkson (raising his hands): Wait, wait. I know what you thinking, but for once I listened to our viewers needs, and decided what we needed to do is have one of our Top Yacht Races!

The audience cheers.

Clarkson: But of course we didn't want just do one of those standard RORC style across the Channel to Cherboug with IRC rules race, so we decided ...

Hammond (interupting): You mean "you decided"

Clarkson: If I can just finish! So I wondered, what would be the quickest across the Channel, a yacht or a dinghy?

May: I see, so you wanted to race some light weight skiffs like the 49ers against an equivalent form of racing yacht? That actually would be quite interesting.

Clarkson: No, what I wanted to do is race one of the latest Class 40 yachts against this old Wayfarer.

He indicates to a very old and heavy wood built Wayfarer dinghy.

Hammond: That old thing? It hasn't a chance!

Clarkson: What if I could tell you I could get that Wayfarer up to a hundred miles per hour?

May: Not rocket powered sailing again!

Clarkson: No.

Hammond: You haven't been smoking those "special" cigarettes have you?

Clarkson: No, think about it....

Cut to: EXT, Folkstone harbour. All three are sitting on a Class 40 moored along with the Wayfarer against a bright yellow buoy.

Clarkson: So here we are in Folkstone, its a lovely day, 10 - 15 knots of wind from south west and Calais is about 26 nautical miles that way.

He points out to sea: its ESE if you're interested.

Clarkson: I'm going to sail over to Calais in this typical every day yacht ...

Hammond (interrupting): Its only typical if you're an offshore single handed sailor

Clarkson: ... and you're going to race me in that dinghy.

May: But how?

Hammond: Aaahh! I've just had an idea. We don't have to sail all the way do we?

Clarkson: No

Hammond: Now this is interesting.

May: I don't follow

Hammond: There is another way to Calais. We go under the Channel.

Clarkson: That's right. While I hoist my sails and head out to sea, you head off in the opposite direction, load the dinghy onto the trailor, and drive to the Eurotunnel terminal.

Hammond: Where we zoom along at about a hundred miles an hour or something to Calais, drive to the port, unload the dinghy and see which of us gets there first.

Clarkson: Exactly. First one to moor up to a buoy in Calais harbour wins.

May and Hammond: You're on!

Advert break! So who do you think will win this Top Yacht race! You'll have to keep watching to find out......


O Docker said...

JP, I suspect you've been spending entirely too many hours watching Clarkson et al, but however many it is, you've absolutely mastered their whole shtick (curious regional American colloquialism).

This is actually a great idea for a script - and without a single reference to the Veyron.

JP said...

Ha, well spotted, I confess :)

I was off recently with a lurgy and the only daytime channel worth watching is what is called Dave TV which plays endless repeats of Top Gear (you occasionally hear them mention Dave TV on Top Gear itself).


Hmm.... maybe the Veyron = Volvo 70?