Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Top Yacht: Cross Channel Race, Part 2

EXT: Folkstone harbour: Hammond and May are sailing an old Wayfarer.

Hammond: Right, so here we go. We've got to sail to shore, load this old heap onto a trailer, then take drive to the Channel Tunnel to zoom us to Calais before Clarkson can sail across in the Class 40 (he points out to sea)

May: What is he doing?

Hammond: If he had any sense, which is unlikely, he'd be trying to get the mainsail up.

EXT: Class 40 yacht: Clarkson is trying to winch up the main sail

Clarkson: God almighty this is hard work!

He winches a couple of clicks round, the stops panting. The camera turns round to show the sail is only about half way up.

Clarkson: I just can't do any more.

Camera man (off screen): That can't be enough?

Clarkson: Well you do it then! Tell you what, Clive, if you'll get that sail all the way up I'll give you twenty quid.

Clive the camera man (off screen): Surely that's not allowed

Clarkson: Fifty then, and that's my final offer.

Camera is put down at an angle and we hear the winching start again while Clarkson makes fake "Gosh this is so hard work" sounds.

EXT: Slipway in Folkstone Harbour. Hammond is reversing car with trailer down to water where May waits with the Wayfarer.

Hammond: I had to do this bit as you just know May can't do the reversing bit. Never does get it right.

May gets the Wayfarer on and tied down, but the mast is still up.

May: Ok of we go

Hammond: What about the mast?

May: Its ok, I've checked on Google Earth and there's no bridges between here and the Channel Tunnel

Cut to: EXT: They have stopped where the road goes under a railway line.

May: Oh seacock!

Hammond rolls his eyes. May gets out to take down the mast. Shot of line of cars behind them, honking horns etc.

EXT: On the Class 40: Clarkson drops the mooring line, backs the main, and they head off.

Clarkson: See that was easy, and I did it all by myself!

Cut to shot of them sailing out of Folkstone Harbour.

EXT: at the Channel Tunnel, Hammond and May are in a queue of cars.

Hammond: Hurry up, hurry up, don't want to miss our crossing.

EXT: On the Class 40: Clarkson is steering merrily away.

Clarkson: This is the life, out at sea, not stuffed in some sardine tin in a concrete pipe some where down there (he points downwards). Fantastic boat this, totally responsive and reaching like this we're going over 10 knots already!

Something starts beeping.

Clarkson: What can that be?

It beebs some more

Clarkson: Sounds like the depth gauge warning, but how can that be out here.

Clive the camera man (off screen) What about the Varne Sandbank?

Clarkson: But that is only a problem at low water in springs.... oh bugger! Tacking!

Cut to: INT: Inside the Channel Tunnel train: it is moving. Both Hammond and May are sitting in the Wayfarer pretending to be sailing.

May: This must be the most relaxing Channel crossing I've ever done.

Hammond: Could do this in t-shirt and shorts even in depths of winter!

May: In a Force 10 and at night!

Cut to: EXT: Class 40: the French coastline can be seen close by now

Clarkson: There we are, that's France, we've done, a single handed all by myself crossing of the Channel. Now we've just got to moor up and I can have some steak frite avec du vin!

Cut to: INT: Hammond and May are in the car waiting for their turn to exit.

Hammond: Come on, come on, we've got to beat him!

May: Where do you think he is?

Hammond: Don't know, but he must be almost here

Cut to EXT: Class 40 approaching Calais

Clarkson (chart in hand): Where IS that buoy? Can you see it Clive?

Camera moves from right to left and back again as Clive shakes his head

Cut to EXT: Calais roads: Hammond and May are driving the car towing the Wayfarer

May: Down there, that road! Turn right!

Hammond: You're crazing its this way (he turns left)

Cut to EXT: Slip way in Calais. Hammond is reversing car so Wayfarer can be launched.

Hammond: Right he says! Is he always completely wrong about directions!

May (pointing out to see): Quick, I can see him, he's approaching the buoy!!

Hammond: What? No way? (he looks out to sea) Oh no........

Cut to EXT: Class 40 approaching buoy.

Clarkson: Oh yes, I'm going to beat them. Yet again!

He stands with boat hook ready to pick up the line. The Class 40 stops about 2 metres short and then begins to drift backwards.

Clarkson: Oh ****!!!!

Cut to EXT: Calais slipway: They have the Wayfarer in the water and are completing rigging her.

Hammond: He's missed! He's missed the mooring!

May: Yes!!

Hammond: We can still beat him!

Cut to EXT: Class 40: Clarkson is trying to sail her back up to the buoy.

Clarkson: Oh God! This is close! I can see them. I've got maybe one chance - at best - to do this.

The camera pans from him to the approaching Wayfarer.

Clarkson: Clive, how does another fifty sound?

Cut to EXT: Wayfarer with Hammond and May on-board

Hammond: What's he doing?

Shout from the Class 40 - Clarkson: I've done it!! I've got the line!

May: Oh seacock!

Cut to: Class 40, all three presenters are sitting on cabin having a cup of tea.

Hammond: So lets just go through this again.

Clarkson: Ok

Hammond: You managed to moor up all by yourself.

Clarkson: Yup

May: Without any outside assistance

Clarkson: Yes!

Hammond: And the on-board camera mysteriously had a malfunction just for that period so we can't see you actually do it.

Clarkson: Er..... yes?

May: hmmmmm.....


Hammond: Well, obviously we have to believe you.

May: Do we?

Hammond: And so we have to conclude that a Class 40 is quicker across the Channel than evan a Eurotunnel powered Wayfarer.

Charkson: That's right.


May: As long as it's not sailed single handed.....

Hammond (pointing at Clarkson) .... by him!

Clarkson: Fine by me. Good night!

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