CLARKSON
We're here with Buff Staysail who has caused more chaos to British sports and royal family than even the last month's washout rainfall.
BUFF STAYSAIL (to MAY)
James, me old mate, how've you been? Your agent told me you'd lost your voice, become allergic to electricity and then had to move abroad for legal reasons, yet here you are, fit and well! Good on you sport! We should grab a tinny or two after the show.
MAY
...er... (cough) .... that ailment might be coming back.
BUFF STAYSAIL
Jeez, poms, always getting sick.
CLARKSON
So Mr Staysail, we've been told you're a sailing journalist - what's your take on the America's Cup? Who's going to win the Vendee Globe?
BUFF STAYSAIL
Well of course the Alinghi campaign is the dark horse for the next America's Cup and my money is on Sam Davies for that French race.
Clarkson and Hammond exchange glances and smiles
CLARKSON
So who exactly do you work for?
BUFF STAYSAIL
I'm freelance, not tied down, ready for anything - do you want my CV?
Buff passes Clarkson some ragged pieces of paper.
CLARKSON, holding them gingerly
It's all wet
BUFF STAYSAIL
Might have spilled some of that mulled wine of yours on it. Bit of waste, as its good stuff.
Buff downs the remains of his glass and looks around hopefully.
BUFF STAYSAIL
Any chance of some more? I've only had five glasses.
CLARKSON
So the mystery of your unemployment is explained.
BUFF STAYSAIL
I'm currently putting together a proposal for a campaign for the NRA in America - it's a Buff Enterprises at-risk project.
HAMMOND
Do you mean the National Rifle Association?
BUFF STAYSAIL
That's right. I've noticed that very few sailors are armed and it's time to lock and load while tacking and gybing!
CLARKSON, HAMMOND and MAY
What????
BUFF STAYSAIL
Just think of the market - I mean, safety potential - of all sailors having a gun. Just handguns for dinghy sailors obviously, but every yacht should have an automatic rifle or two. Just what you'd need when pirates come up the Chesapeake!!
CLARKSON
What pirates?
BUFF STAYSAIL
You can't expect there not to be pirates when all yachts have guns, its just common sense. Jeez, keep up. But I have the solution to that - rocket launchers!
CLARKSON, HAMMOND and MAY
What????
BUFF STAYSAIL
Well if the good guys don't have rocket launchers then the bad guys win - stands to reason.
MAY
Or be like the UK which has gun control and a firearm related homicide rate just 2.5% of that in the US.
BUFF STAYSAIL
I'm not going to mention that in my proposal - jeez, I'm not stupid you know!
CLARKSON
On that bomb-shell, it's good night and keep safe.
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