Friday, April 13, 2012

Buff's 50 Rules of Boating

G'day all! Buff Staysail here! Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Ok, I've got a beer in my hand, its Friday evening, and its time for Buff to let you into a few of the secrets of my success. How was it that I got my own shown on Queensland Community TV? You've got to know THE RULES!!

And here they are:

1. Obey the rules, but only if you want to. They're more like the pirate's code, i.e. guidelines. I mean you don't want to end up like my ma, do this, do that, "be home by 9 sharp or I'll lock the door". Jeez, I mean I was 27!

2. Lead by example - and I do, living life the Buff way!!

3. Guide the uninitiated - "mine's a beer, cheers mate"

4. Don't say you're into water sports; for some reason people will smirk.

5. BIFF - Boating is fucking fantastic fun!!! I mean all this baloney about HTFU, jeez, what have they got to prove? Buff doesn't need to play that game.

6. Don't sail a Laser - they're too small for an adult and yet too big to get the right way up when they flip over (which they inevitably will)

7. Don't go kayaking - the cockpits are always too small to squeeze into, you have to wear a skirt and for some reason I always flip over upside down, stupid bloody things

8. Don't row - you face the wrong way, it makes you feel sick, it tips over if you sneeze and rowers barf on about pain as if they like it

9. Do become an internationally renown sailing journo / tv celebrity as then you don't have to do any of the above

10. Never go out in bad weather - jeez, didn't you read my post on navigation? Weather should be like this:

11. In particular never ever ever go frostbiting. The only place frost should be is on the outside of your beer glass

12. The correct number of drinks is n+1 where n is the number of drinks you've had so far

13. A real sailor drinks beer

14. You can drink beer at any time - before sailing, during sailing or after sailing

15. You can drink white wine only when you've got lady company

16. You should order bubbly when you win the lotto or your lady company is rich

17. Red wine is for steak and chips

18. Cocktails are wonderful, but never admit to that as they're a bit girly, though of course lots of flirting fun to be with had with their suggestive names

19. Speedos are essential Buff wear - see figure above, ain't that fab! After all what is better to look at, a micro-bikini or an all-in-one cover it all up?

20. Don't bother with suncream, boring stuff for wimps. Red is a great colour

21. Oh, and if you've gone all red then definitely wear white, its a great combination.

22. Shades, yup, you want to keep these on all the time. After a night on the tile its mighty bright out there, plus you can doze off when you want to

23. Only buy lots and lots of pairs as you'll leave them all over the place.

24. Its really cool to buy gear from, say, the America's Cup, as people will think you were on the team.

25. Buying team stuff together with dropping into the conversation you're a TV star with his own shown and soon you're be considered a legend!!

26. Hats are a pain as they blow off your head in anything over a force 2

27. But they're just the ticket if, like Buff, you're commentating on the race from the shore

28. In particular hats are a must-have for those, er, a bit, er, thinner on the top if you know what I mean

29. Tan lines are great - women really appreciate it if you to ask if you can see theirs

30. Knee pads are essential for boats with wooden decks

31. SHOUT A LOT when in a race: it doesn't matter what or when. Try yelling out "starboard" and "water" even if its not the right moment (and jeez, who knows when is) as it will distract other sailors.

32. The race committee is filled with idiots who are as blind as a bat and usually get it wrong. I mean I never touched that buoy!!

33. Stickers are fantastic way to identify which boat is yours: Lasers all look the same to me.

34. Sailing at night is a must. Remember that yachting includes motor boats and motor boats include cruise ships and its easy peasy. Just take the ferry to Spain.

35. What happens on the towpath (*), stays on the towpath. Yes Tanya, I mean you!!

 (*) or sail locker, Hooter's bar, stairwell of Holiday Inn etc etc etc

36. Most clubs are full of officious types who like to do all the work so you shouldn't volunteer for anything

37. Peeing off the side of a boat is the sign of a man

38. Peeing off the side of a boat in the middle of a tight fleet of boats is a bit gross, I'll admit that

39. Peeing off the side of a boat when alone on deck at night is not a good idea (believe me, I found out the hard way!!)

40. Mates come first. Unless they're douche bags.

41. Mates understand if you have to ditch them for a hot shiela

42. Its not the size of your audience that matters, its the number of hours of TV you broadcast

43. No, YouTube doesn't count

44. TV is so much better than Twitter, FaceFriend or blogging!!!

45. Any race can be made more exciting by imitating Michael Jackson or other top celebs on Channel 16!!

46. If that doesn't work you could use your VHF radio for an emergency karaoke session!

47. Don't let your ma join you when you go sailing. It just spoils things

48. Keep an eye out for that special someone - you don't know when she might appear!!

49. Remember, it always seems a good idea at the time.

50. How difficult can it be?

So there you go!! Buff's rules of boating. I might have a ponder for a bit over another stubbie and see if they can be polished up.

This is Buff Staysail, rule master, over and out!!


Baydog said...

I like your 50 better, JP. That Tillerman's so damn serious.

Tillerman said...

I like yours better too Buff. Those Keepers of the Vang are so ironic.

Towpath Tanya said...

Ooh, I likes yer 50, too, Buff.

Just remember, no checks, luv.

Bursledon Blogger said...

50 rules? Sounds like Buff is using his celebrity status to line up a job as the EU commissioner for the water based leisure activities quango, committee, sub committee, think tank..............

Anonymous said...

Wasn't Vang the Bulgarian side-kick of Vlad the Impaler?

Tillerman said...

I think you're thinking of Bung the Vulgarian.