The Don Giovanni pitch at the Oscars

INT: the Oscars. Movie mogul WEISUP is with his assistant YESMANN watching the proceedings glumly.

WEISUP (applauding)

Jeez, another for The Artist: Best Original Score. Well there was no real dialog so I guess they could put some money into the music. What ever happened to that classical number of ours, what was it, THE DON or something?

YESMANN

I think you mean DON GOVIANNI sir

WEISUP

That's the one. Is it a silent?

YESMANN

Er, no sir. There's singing.

WEISUP

What, you mean, like a musical? Who's the composer?

YESMANN

It's Mozart sir.

WEISUP (applauding again)

Jeez, lost another, we've got to up our game. I'll give this Mozart guy a ring.

YESMANN

...er... sir... that's not going to be easy.

WEISUP

One of these hard-ball playing arty types? Won't return your call or something? I'll find out who his agent is. Ok, fill me in, what's our Don into?

YESMANN

Well Don Giovanni's a real womaniser, seduces all the ladies....

WEISUP

I like it, I like it, he's really the victim, one of those sexual compulsive types, a bit like Shame, that won awards. We can have lots of hot women and its all "for art". George Clooney, he'd be great in that part, you'd believe he could score anyone.  Ok, who's the love interest?

YESMANN

Well there's Donna Anna, she's the one he betrays in the start plus he murders her dad.

WEISUP

That's a great opening, can see it now, we can get Jennifer Aniston to play the dumped girl. But we need someone tough to stand up to this Don and raise the stakes.

YESMANN

Yes sir, that's when Mozart brings in Donna Elvira. She used to be Don Giovanni's lover but he abandoned her. Now she's out for revenge but a part of her still loves him - she's conflicted sir.

WEISUP

Now that's something we can work with. I see her as Clare Danes - on the edge, borderline psychotic. You never know if she's going to kill him or marry him, popping handfuls of those green pills the docs have prescribed, right?

YESMANN

.... well sir, I'm not sure the director sees this as being about modern medicine and pills....

WEISUP (thumping the arm of the chair)

He's right, dammit, she's not taken her pills!!! She's about to blow!! This sounds great, Yesmann. But the humour, we need to round this out, can't be all grim.

YESMANN

There's Don Giovanni's servent, Leporello. He gets the best lines, but you have to play them straight, not Jim Carrey, maybe that Hobbit.

WEISUP

Not that creep that goes all weird about his precious?

YESMANN

Er.... I think the director was thinking of Martin Freeman, you know, Bilbo?

WEISUP

Oh him, yes he's good. Ok, tell me more, what's the plot?

YESMANN

Well there's this wedding of a peasant girl......

WEISUP

She can be Penelope Cruz - make sure the dress is cut real low

YESMANN

... and Don Giovanni tries to seduce her but Donna Elvira is there too with Donna Anna and her fiancée, and they're out for revenge. There's a decadent ball which turns into a rampaging mob out for Don Giovanni's blood but he escapes in the dark of night to a graveyard.

Here a statue warns him ....

WEISUP

A statue?

YESMANN

Yes, it sort of comes to life, and Don Giovanni invites him to dinner later that night.

WEISUP

I know - we can get Schwarzenegger and he can say "I'll be back". They'll just love that.

YESMANN

That sounds a great idea sir, because the statue, that's the ghost of Il Commendatore, Donna Anna's dad, does return and at the end of Act 2 he drags Don Giovanni down to hell!!

WEISUP

I like it, I like it!! It will be like Terminator all over again. Ok, so what happens in Act 3?

YESMANN

Er, there's no Act 3 sir.

WEISUP

No Act 3? But there's always a third act! Robert McKee told me himself at that MGM drinks reception.

YESMANN

Well Mozart only wrote two acts sir.

WEISUP

And you told me this Mozart dude doesn't return calls, that's right. But you can't end up with Clooney in hell!

(thinks)

I've got it, it's going to be great. We can write our own!!! As I see it this Donna Elvira broad goes after him, yup, even into hell itself. And no guns work there so she and Il Commendatore battle it out with swords, flashing amongst the red fires.

It will be like Kill Bill! Or Buffy and Angel!! All blood and guts! Even the devil is scared of her, right?

Then of course she wins and they return to Earth. Sure he's a sex junkie and she's psychotic, but together they work, right? And then Aniston get's her man too, and that's a wrap!!

YESMANN

Er.... yes sir.



Picture from: Covent Garden