Sunday, November 24, 2013

Doctor Who and the first America's Cup

This morning I received a video message stamped "Top Secret: 50 year time lock". I was thrilled to discover its secrets....

Doctor Who opening credits, music. Cut to Tardis front door which opens to show CLARA in Victorian clothing (again).

So yachting, that's a new one for you, Doctor. 

THE DOCTOR (following CLARA and adjusting his bow tie)
I can't be battling Daleks all the time, Clara, I need the odd day off and what could be more relaxing than a gentle sail in the Solent.

They go up some wooden stairs onto deck and are blinded by the sun.

Any this isn't any old boat: we're racing in the very first Americas Cup. However I landed us on one of 15 British boats so theres no chance of winning, but we'll be less conspicuous coming second. Or third....or forth or... Well you get the idea.

We should be about half way round and the Americans will already be out in front.

The DOCTOR peers ahead, searching without success. CLARA taps him on the shoulder.

Look behind you!

She indicates the schooner America trailing far behind.

But that's not right, its against the standard time line and fundamentals of hydrodynamics.

He gets out his sonic screwdriver and scans the hull.

THE DOCTOR (muttering)
.... carbon fibre, nano propellers, fake matter... this is way beyond nineteenth century technology.

The DOCTOR and CLARA are interrupted by various SAILORS of the ship's crew.

Wakey wakey Doctor, we have company

Who are you and how did you get aboard?

THE DOCTOR (waving a bit of psychic paper)
I'm the Doctor and Queen Victoria's personal physician. She gave us permission to visit and have a picnic.

Well tell that to the captain then.

Yes, I want to meet who ever can explain this boat.

They ascend to the quarterdeck and are brought face to face with captain of the ship

So you have decided to join us, Doctor, on the Day of the Master!! 

(for it is he, the DOCTOR's nemesis)

You! You can't do this! The first Americas Cup is a fixed point in time, it can't be changed without scaring space time for ever! 

That's a bit rich. Your death was meant to be a fixed point in time - as was the destruction of Gallifrey.

THE DOCTOR (waving hands in a timey wimey way)
That's so... You're missing the point. The question is why? What's so important about changing who wins the first Americas Cup?

When I win I will be introduced to Queen Victoria, and all I need is one meeting with the most powerful person on the planet to make it mine. Well that and this ultra-hypno projector.

He waves a ray gun looking device.

You forgot that I am the Queen's personal physician. 

Addressing the sailors

Arrest that traitor!

THE MASTER, waving his own psychic paper
I am an admiral of the fleet and out rank a mere doctor: arrest him instead.

Well I can top that as I married Queen Elizabeth so I'm a royal!

Really? I didn't see that one coming

To be honest, who did?

The sailors move to arrest THE MASTER.

You might have won this round, but I will return. I will take a new form and new name, and in the future win the America's Cup and use it as a stepping stone to controlling the most powerful leader on the planet!!

THE MASTER jumps overboard and starts swimming to shore.

All this saving the world gives me an appetite. How do you fancy lunch - in France?

Ooh la la!! Defeat the Master by a DNC and nice nosh: what a good day!

In the mean time I feel like a nice cuppa tea. Better make it Liptons: I think the old buffer's going to need all the support he can get.

CLARA and THE DOCTOR sail off together.

Cut to a beach in the south coast of the Isle of Wight. A figure crawls ashore and collapses close to an old fisherman. The figure starts to glow and THE MASTER regenerates into a form familiar to sailors.

Who you'd be, aye, yon glowing figure that be washed ashore like a sea drenched ship's rat?

THE MASTER (for it is he)
In this form you may call me - Larry Ellison!


O Docker said...

Thanks for explaining how all of those vacation condos came to be built on the Isle of Wight.

JP said...

Well property is a very good long term investment.

So if you want to be able to fund an expensive America's Cup campaign in (say) 150 years time then a good way to do it is buy land and wait.