Sunday, January 23, 2011

Panel finds Blackbeard innocent

Today were published the findings of the official enquiry into the raiding of several ships off Charleston by Blackbeard, which concludes he was totally innocent.

The panel decided that he and his crew were "placed in a situation they were not completely prepared for and had not anticipated" and this led to loss of life.

According to Israel Blackbeard several of the merchant crew terrorists attacked him by reversing onto his sword - not just once but five times. Some even managed this while they were lying on the ground!

While the attacks happened in international waters it was legitimate as Israel Blackbeard was at the time undertaking a "completely legal" blockade of Gaza Charleston. This city - described by the pirates as a hostile territory - had shown its terrorist nature by resisting Blackbeard and crew. "God has told us all the gold in Charleston is ours" one crew member said.

Apparently some in Charleston and surrounding colonies have been seeking independence, a clearly hostile act.

"There has never been a country called the United States of America and there are no such people as the Americans" said pirate spokesperson Ms "Gold" Meir.

The panel did not interview any pirate crew or merchant sailor terrorist, instead basing its finding on the statements by Blackbeard.

Despite that it rejected calls from international lawyers that there was "clear evidence to support prosecutions" against Israel Blackbeard for "wilful killing" and torture committed when its sailors stormed the ships.

"We conclude by saying that these critics of Blackbeard are clearly biased against pirates" said a spokesperson, a Mr "White" Wash.


Tillerman said...

Wicked clever!

JP said...

Seems to be politics Sunday ;)

Boat Wax said...

Really interesting read! Innocent or not, Blackbeard was a bad ass, and he'll always be remembered as one.

JP said...

Hi BoatWax - yup, Blackbeard was as you say a bad ass but I'm pretty certain he wasn't in any way innocent!