Wednesday, August 31, 2011

This blog is destroying civilisation!

Today this blog welcomes (if that is the right word) the return of the columnist Glenn Beard, the man unafraid to speak his mind.

Friends, I am here because I am mad!!

I have just analysed the visitor logs for this blog and I discovered a disturbing statistic - the readers overwhelming come from freedom-fries loving countries!!

So what, I hear your lame-stream media liberal appeasers ask? Well, let me tell you another fact that will blow your mind. This blog was founded in November 2005 in the UK and then in just a few months afterwards, in fact in 2006, the UK's GDP fell below that of China!!

Co-incidence, I think not!!

This blog has no real information content and rarely involves any actual sailing or kayaking. What it does do is give a few seconds or even minutes of distraction, which leads me to the final conclusive statistic - many readers access this blog during work hours.

So you begin to see through the schemer's veil. Those commie bastards, aiming to undermine civilisation as we know it, have created a blog with no real content, but which reduces western productivity to a fatal degree.

You don't believe me? Well I had my doubts until I found this confession earlier this year: this blog is written by a Syrian lesbian!!! Ok, officially it is a denial, but we all know what that means. The fools even labelled that post as fiction!!!

(beginning to cry)

So people, I love my country, and I beg of you, if you love yours too, stop reading this right now!


O Docker said...

Oh come on, Mr. Beard. Just what millenium are you stuck in, anyway?

This millenium has little time for substance. Substance requires that both the writer and reader stay focused for extended periods.

Writing a blog post of substance means you have to pick a subject and stay with it for whole paragraphs at a time. You need a theme. You have to develop logical arguments, support them with evidence, and draw a reasoned conclusion. What post-millenial urban hipster has time or the attention span for that?

We want to just shout out whatever is bugging us most at any given moment without having to get bogged down in a lot of time-consuming thought. We don't really care what anyone else thinks, either. We just want everyone to tell us that we are right. This whole business of blog comments itself is too tedious, really. If only there were just some sort of 'You're Right' button to click here.

If someone were to develop some sort of interweb thing that deliberately limits you to tiny snippets that are broadcast to as many people as possible all at once, I predict that would be a huge success.

commie bastard said...

O Docker You're Right.

JP said...

Alas O'Docker I tuned out after the 2nd paragraph. Too many words, and some of them had, like, six syllables or whatever

If only there was a "+1" button next to your comment I wouldn't even have to read it and think of some response but give feedback with a single click

O Docker said...

Author of previous comment, sorry I don't have time to reply now. I'm pasting in one of my generic comments, instead. It was a bit of a chore writing these, but they've proven to be huge time savers.

I couldn't agree more with what you've said.

JP said...