Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Buff's Mandatory Laser Bill

G'day all! Buff Staysail here, Buff by name and Buff by nature!

Well JP's a bit low this evening so I've cooked up another bit of Buff Enterprise magic to make the blues go away! Yup, it's another Get-Rich-Scheme courtesy of your's truly.

I read this article about how some state (anyone heard of a "South Dakota"?) is going to make it mandatory to own a gun, and that raised the interesting question - why stop there?

Let's take it to its logical conclusion and make it mandatory to own a Laser!!

Let's do the maths for California. There's about 12m households, so if each one pays (say) $1k (prices slashed for mass production - which of course will be in state, hence reducing unemployment, win-win) and yours truly gets a 2.5% commission (very reasonable, well below Buff's usual 20%) that makes a whopping $ 300 million.

Now of course we've got to be realistic here, no need to get greedy. A lot of this will be funnelled via the in-house B-Street lobby firm into sufficient campaign funds to get this radical legislation passed. We can argue it's all to do with health  - you know get active, reduce medical bills bla bla bla...

But it will be worth it - create jobs AND make those yanks healthier AND give Tillerman a bit of competition AND get the price of sails down AND make ol' Buff truly loaded.



Tillerman said...

It's never going to work JP. A federal judge has just ruled that it's against the US Constitution to pass a law that makes Americans take responsibility for their health.

O Docker said...

Buff, many of us would find it helpful if you also posted the procedure for becoming a British citizen.

Tillerman said...

Procedure for becoming a British citizen.

O Docker said...

Aha! The British are very good at protecting their borders.

One of the requirements of citizenship has been very cleverly worded so that South Dakota legislators and even some federal judges may not become British citizens:

"You must be of sound mind."

G. Washington said...

"Aha! The British are very good at protecting their borders."

Unless of course their borders are across the Atlantic.

JP said...

Tillerman: It's ok, that ruling was at the Federal level, while Buff was thinking at state level.

O'Docker: Buff's gone off in a huff saying something about "Who'd want to be a whinging pom anyway?"

G.Washington: Welcome back - actually given a choice between George III and the founding fathers my sympathies are with the latter (sorry Liz) but think you better hurry to DC as they seem to have got a bit confused about freedom, democracy etc since your day.

Tillerman said...

Sadly the legislators of that state called South Dakota are over 200 years too late. The federal government already passed a law making it mandatory to own a gun. The Militia Act of 1792 requires every able-bodied free white male citizen between 18 and 45 to "provide himself with a good musket or firelock, a sufficient bayonet and belt, two spare flints, and a knapsack, a pouch, with a box therein, to contain not less than twenty four cartridges, suited to the bore of his musket or firelock."

Will Buff be limiting his Lasers to free white men between 18 and 45 too? What about black sailors? What about female sailors? What about old geezers?

JP said...

Oh no, Buff is happy for anyone, whatever their age, gender, race etc to buy a Laser, as long as they pay his commission.

Apparently the Militias Act of 1792 was repealed by something called the "Dick Act": I wonder what they will they call the act that repeals Buff's law?

Tillerman said...

Indeed. Apparently the Militia Act of 1792 was first invoked by the President to put down the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794.

According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, the Whiskey Rebellion "was rooted in western dissatisfaction with various strange foot fetishes and q-tipping was enjoyed by katey and nick mostly nick policies of the eastern-based national government."

I kid you not. That's what it says here right now. And it wasn't me that wrote that either.

Truly the Interwebs are a strange and wonderful place.

JP said...

How funny!

I shall keep a good look out on that page and see how long before horse owner's edit is spotted!

Tillerman said...

It's gone. Some killjoy called Kevin Myers undid Iownahorse's revision. Now we will never hear the full story about katy and nick mostly nick and their strange foot fetishes.

I never knew Wikipedia was so much fun.

O Docker said...

According to C-Span, JP, legislation to repeal Buff's law is already in the works.

It will be called the Laser Removal Act.

Supporters of the bill must have a real war chest behind them. No matter where I go on the internet, I see ads for Laser Removal, usually illustrated with photos of scantily clad young women.