Thames Estuary

I've just watched Estuary, a short film about the Thames estuary by Southend Festival director Rachel Lichtenstein together with film-maker James Price. As the blurb puts, it "with the grey water lapping at the prow, they sail from Queenborough on the Isle of Sheppey across the shipping channels to Southend pier."

All very arty stuff - you can watch it here.

Rather topical, given there is currently an unexploded WWII mine floating around in those waters. Apparently it was dredged up and then escaped before it could be safely detonated.

A case of one our mines is missing.

Updated: now exploded, see video clip here.

Stranger on the river

INT: Wild west saloon, honky tonk piano bashing away, polished wood bar with assorted cowboys with their beers, miners drinking whisky etc etc. To one side are racks of kayaks, canoes, PBDs, skirts, paddles etc - the art director isn't sure about this bit.

Soundtrack: clip-clop / squeak of bike brakes / theme to The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

There's a shadow by the door, then enter: the Stranger (JP)

All look round: the bar goes quiet.

Sheriff

Howdy stranger (he spits) Haven't seen you around these parts.

JP

I've been out East

Sheriff

We don't want no trouble (spits again - what is it about spitting?) We want a nice safe paddle.

JP nods then walks over to the bar.

Old timer serving behind said bar

Oh my giddy eyes. God-darn it if isn't old JP. How've you been youngster? (ok I made that last bit up) You look older (alas didn't make that up)

JP

It's been a tough 6 months, old timer. Been back East working, and had family troubles. RP is dead.

Old timer

I'm right sorry to hear that JP

Enter glamorous woman, think Jane Russell / Scarlett Johansson / enter your choice here. She approaches JP and slaps him on the face

Glamorous Woman / Scarlett

That's for leaving me lonesome, you double timing no good heart-breaker (ok, totally made that bit up, but its what should have happened).

Old timer

Go easy on him, Scarlett, life hasn't been good to JP - sounds as bad as finding a rattle-snake in your jack-pants

Glamorous Woman / Scarlett

Oh you poor thing, you come here now and let Scarlett take care of you (still making it up)

Old timer

No time for that Scarlett, I'm taking JP off up Thames canyon for old times sake. What you riding JP?

JP

I'll have that fibreglass slalom kayak

Cut to: EXT: Thames Canyon. Sound track clip/clop splish/splash, backdrop ol' Father Thames

JP

So what's new, Old Timer, looks just the same to me.

Old Timer

All the same? Haven't you seen that darn yellow monstrosity? Those PLA boys did that (he spits - its ok, they're on the river.)

JP

And that?

Old Timer

(shivers) We don't talk about that JP. No good comes of asking about that.

JP and the Old Timer go paddling upriver towards a fine sunset...

Fade to black. 

- The End -

All the fun of the (Barnes) fair

Last Saturday it was the Barnes Fair, which was pretty good. Indeed I heard someone say rather ruefully "it knocks our Kew fair for six" or words to that effect.

There was something for everyone. I heard a teenage boy see these standup paddly things (insert right word here) and go "that is so cool" while a teenage girl a moment later went "Oh my God! Vintage clothes!!"

For the young-uns there was a harrowing tale of domestic violence, otherwise known as Punch and Judy:

For the foodie there was stand upon stand of cup-cakes in feed-an-army quantity (seriously, what is it about cup cakes?)

There was enough second hand books even for me, plus bands, good causes, furniture, fossils..... you name it.

All in all rather a good time was had by all. It even only drizzled rain a little bit - what more can you ask from a British summer?

The 5 minute cruise

Knoxville: Summer of 1915; London: Summer of 2011

After the earlier trip to the Goldsmith's Hall and the didgeridoo & string quartet concert I looked at the City of London Festival's web site and straight away booked another concert as it included one piece I'd never heard live but have always loved.

It was given by an Aussie chamber orchestra with the rather wonderful name of Ruthless Jabiru. They played some more Sculthorpe, who continues to impress, especially the new work Small Town - Djilile - Shining Island, and ended with Copland's Appalachian Spring, which was a mistake.

Partly because the playing didn't grip me, as if their spirit wasn't quite in it. But mostly because I was still lost in the piece they played before the interval, Samual Barber's haunting Knoxville: Summer of 1915, beautifully sung by Emma Pearson.

Intensely evocative, the words by James Agee are about memory, of childhood, the feeling of safety within a family and all of life being ahead of one. It is about looking back, remembering what is lost, of a time long gone.

One sentence spoke to me, and our family's recent loss:

May God bless my people... 

remember them in their time trouble, 

and in the hour of their taking away.

Apparently Agee wrote the words to Knoxville: Summer of 1915 after his father died, at a time when Barber's father was dying.

Afterwards I could hear the lyrical, aching, gentle, dream-like main theme echo in my head. Like Agee's streetcar, the tube "raised its iron moan; stopping: belling and starting, stertorous; rousing and raising again its iron increasing moan".

And above the concrete and iron towers was the moon, clear and crisp, gently watching.

String quartet plus didgeridoo

Yesterday I went to a concert as part of the City of London Festival (yes, this blog will get back to boating at some point).

This is a lot less well known than the Proms but has a really interesting range of concerts and, what's more, range of locations. The one I went to was in the Worshipful Company of Goldsmiths, one of the original Livery companies of the old City of London, going back to 1327. You can sort of guess what their guild was for and it was an amazing building, stuffed with gold plates the size of shields.

So that was a good start, and then the concert had a cracking good musicians, appropriately called the Goldner String Quartet, with a program that included Shostakovich's 4th and Dvorak's 12th, The American.

In between they had a number of works for string quartet and didgeridoo. Nope, I hadn't heard that combination before, one to add to this year's list of new sounds, along with the theremin. But those indigenous Australian instruments really added something: a earthy, throaty growl.

The one that worked the best for me, which was also a world premier, was performer and composer William Barton's piece that combined the intricate sounds of the strings with the pulsing rhythm of the didgeridoo, underpinning its beat.

There is apparently a down-under feel to the festival this year, and the string quartet also played works by Australian Peter Sculthorpe, who was also present.

So all in all a good concert... but there was more, as the pleasure of the evening was increased by three things:

• The ticket included a glass of wine in the interval
• There was a chance to go round the exhibition of silver art, which was wonderful, and included works like the bowl below by Alistair McCallum
• An elderly lady in the rows behind us, whose voice carried somewhat, asked after the Shostakovich: "so there isn't a conductor then?"

Indeed ma'am, string quartets don't have conductors, but as this program showed, they sometimes do have a didgeridoo.

Updated: review in the Telegraph here.

Will makes a splash with his chopper

Yes, the daring-do all-action Prince William from Blighty-land showed those doubters what he's made of, successfully piloting his helicopter to a perfect water landing.

Newly wed Kate glowed with pride at her hubby's performance, and then he went on to show who's on top with a bit of full-on dragon racing action, just nudging her into second.

The Canadian visit seems to be going a smoothly and sweetly as pure maple syrup... what water sport can these two get up to next?

Updated: go paddle a canoe of course. And when in Canada....

The Will & Kate plan to re-conquer America: part 2

Today we continue Glenn Beard's scoop on how Benjamin Franklin, secret agent of Britain's SIS, will help Will and Kate reclaim the American colonies:

As I revealed yesterday, Britain is on the verge of recovery of the lost colonies due to a long term deep penetration SIS operation to undermine the revolutionaries via a constitution that is biased towards inaction. The USA will inevitably run out of money, giving the plucky Brits the opportunity to put Will and Kate back on their rightful thrones.

But how is this to be funded? Well you have no doubt heard accusations that Britain is operating as a form of hedge fund - well that is actually more true than people know, for the SIS and Buckingham Palace intend to take over the United States of Ameri-can't using similar methods.

Basically it will be done on the standard take-over technique to borrow to the hilt and sweat the assets, but in a smart way. First of course there's the imposition of a Westminster style parliament combined with the English legal system: this removes the unproductive drain on the US economy that are lobbyists and lawyers.

In addition:
1) Will and Kate's first decree will be that all cars must drive on the left hand side of the road and American's must buy new cars within [3] years. This will create a huge economic boom as GM, Ford and co sell 300 million extra cars!!

2) These cars will use the latest technology from Blighty and hence be at least 50% more fuel efficient. Hence American's won't notice when Will and Kate impose a petrol (none of this "gas" nonsense) tax of 50%, raising enough free cashflow to pay off the loans.

3) Under-performing assets states will be sold off. China is understood to be interested in California (though a sale and lease back approach is being considered), Alaska of course will be bought by the Russians while Canada is understood to be lined up to take Washington State.

The result will be a lean and mean United States of Britain with King Will and Queen Kate at the helm!!

God bless their majesties!!

Updated: I was going to scan Franklin's spy papers but alas at that moment a swarve man in a dinner jacket burst through the windows. All I remember is him saying "The names Bond, James Bond" before everything went dark. When I came to the papers had disappeared....

The Will & Kate plan to re-conquer America: part 1

Today we welcome back this blog's guest contributor, the outspoken commentator Glenn Beard, the man unafraid to speak his mind, who seems to have a scoop on his hands:

Friends, I am here because I am mad!

In a few days time three hundred million people will celebrate the defeat of Britain! Can you imagine it -  actually having parties and letting off fireworks on what should be a day of quiet reflection. So-called civilised people will be seen for what they are - descendants of tax evaders!

But I have in my hands - my trembling hands - documents that show that not all is lost. For due to a deep undercover mission of our Secret Intelligence Service or SIS the day is coming when the colonies will be recovered.

These hand written papers from the 1770s show that Benjamin Franklin was actually a British double agent!! "Turned" by the SIS during his stay in London he returned to reek havoc on the revolutionaries, ensuring the ultimate failure of the United States of America.

The master-stroke was the constitution, written in such a way as to ensure there would come a time in which the states would become ungovernable, political processes so stalemated that the government would ultimately run out of money, unable to borrow a dollar more.

And that day approaches! The tour across the pond by the highly popular Will and Kate is part of top secret manoeuvring where by Britain will take over some of the United States of Ameri-can't's debt in return for them ascending to the throne.

But how can Britain afford to do this, you might ask? Indeed, but that's where it gets even cleverer - more tomorrow!!

God Bless the Queen!!

Glastonbury not three men do something boaty

You have to play the hand that life deals you, whether good or bad.

Taru - or Reds as we now must call her - quite rightly and passionately blogged on the need to follow ones dreams. But sometime Life with a capital L gets in the way.

So this weekend as have noted am not doing the Round the Island or indeed getting afloat in any way, and early next week will have the funeral of close family member followed by the grind of discussions with lawyers and accountants. This weekend is therefore a time for preparation and a quiet night in.

I'm really enjoying watching on the Beeb this year's Glastonbury, where the rains have eased off, skies are blue and the mud is beginning to dry under the golden evening sunshine. We've already seen excellent sets by U2 and Tinie Tempah, and there's a long long list of good bands to come.

One thing I definitely haven't been watching is the latest in the series in which three men do something on the water involving Gryff Rys Jones and the other two. Seriously, enough guys! This is one viewer on strike.

But then again if you can get the BBC to pay you to potter around on classic boats, well you can see why they might say yes.

If you get a good hand you might as well play it.

A boat for DoryMan?

As spotted in Lyme Regis.

Winning ticket - sailing

The Olympics 2012 ticketing process is grinding forward with relentlessness of a glacier rather than speed of a 100m sprinter.

The latest for those of us that a) applied for tickets and b) saw something get debited from our accounts, is that we now know exactly what we're going to see in just over a years time.

And there's no kayaking for me as it's sailing all the way, with one official ticket for Weymouth from the UK authority and not one but two more from a web site across the water in Germany.

Nothing yet for any of the sports hosted on the main Olympic site here in London, which is a bit of a shame. But then again our sailing team has a good track record in winning medals.

Go Team GB!

Iain M. Banks and the search for Utopia

After yesterday's theremin themed post a brief word on the rest of the British Library's Out of this World exhibition.

To be honest I was disappointed: it was trying too hard to show that there is a long tradition in what we now call science fiction and that even "serious" writers dabble in it. That for me is not the point, which is it is a medium that allows the writer to explore ideas. The exhibition did acknowledge that, but without going into depth as to the details of these conflicting ideas and overlooked some of the most important SF books.

It could also be argued that many "serious" writers make a mess of SF as they don't understand the genre, but there is of course the counter example of Iain Banks - or rather his alter-ego, Iain M. Banks, a disguise almost as effective as Clark Kent's.

His utopian Culture series of SF novels are a favourite of mine, and the disappointment of the exhibition was countered by a very interesting discussion on the concept of Utopia between Banks and Gregory Claeys, author of Searching for Utopia.

Claeys gave a rather academic (read mind expanding) summary of his thesis, which was that utopias were really about hope rather than religion, politics etc. I got the feeling the attention of audience, heavily biased towards fans of The Culture, slipped a bit at this point.

But Banks did not disappoint, jumping like one of his stories from idea to idea, not always in a linear way (again like his stories) but always entertaining.

The session was chaired by Francis Spufford who wrote the totally wonderful "The Backroom Boys: the return of the British Boffin" (hurrah huzzah!).

There was a lively discussion, to which yours truly contributed the thesis that there are inevitably disagreements about what would be ideal and the concept of utopia is useful therefore as a mechanism to debate their merits.

Anyhow, a fascinating evening that made up for a mediocre exhibition. There are other talks in the series and the program can be downloaded in PDF form here.

The theremin, the swan and the gig at the British Library

A diversion from all things watery to post about an evening spent with things silvery, namely an event at the British Library part of their SF themed Out of this World exhibition. I say event as that's what it was described as though to be honest wasn't sure what to expect, and came in good time straight from work thinking it would be a bit like a concert, sitting down in silence. Wrong, wrong, wrong....

The first sign was the costumes - tin foil and Star Wars helmets came into it, plus there were some performance artists from the Immaculative Extremists who did it professionally. Then no one really sat down - ok there weren't that many seats, but there was lots of mingling, chatting even, trips to the bar and it was all held in the British Library's main antrium, which is a pretty impressive space.

The program can be seen below.

Apart from two DJ sets the first of the two main events was the Radio Science Orchestra playing a number of well known themes (think Doctor Who) plus versions of classics like The Swan by Saint-Saens played upon a theremin.

What's that you might ask? Well you can see it in action above played by Charlie Draper who basically waves his hands in the air very carefully (shaking definitely not a good idea) in a way that alters the radio system's resonant frequency via his capacitance - full and more accurate description on Wikipedia here. Note the use of that great word "heterodyne" which I first read in those classic pulp SF books by E.E. "Doc" Smith.

Anyhow, bravo to Charlie!

More here and they have an album on iTunes so click here for an uncut version.

After a break and another DJ it was on to the second part, the return of the legendary Global Communication, the ambient music group from the 1990s, performing their classic 76:14, one of the Guardian top 1,000 albums. Hmmm.... not exactly a short list, but then again it is a laid back piece.... a very laid back piece.

It did eventually get going and people started dancing.



I get the feeling that would never have happened in the old British Library reading room. Maybe things would have been better if they had - Karl Marx so busy dancing with George Eliot he never gets round to writing his up his big idea (what is known to SF buffs as an alternative history).

An enjoyable evening; all very cutting edge in a retro way.

Two big thumbs up - or should that be six waving tentacles up?

Updated: at the request of the Radio Science Orchestra have taken down the video - sorry!

Round the Island Tide Simulations

The annual Round the Island race is coming up (this coming weekend indeed) though alas I'm not taking part. It was always going to be difficult to plan ahead when a family member is seriously ill, but no doubt the Isle of Wight will still be there next year.

With nearly 2,000 yachts sailing altogether it is one of Britain's biggest sporting events and so its not surprising its cropping up more and more in the papers and conversations. There was this interesting piece recently in the Telegraph and at the lunch after the memorial service last week I had several sailing relating chats, one ending up with a call for "good luck in the race".

Over on the YW site I was most impressed by some brilliant simulations of the tide conditions that competitors will experience from TideTech, which sort of blows my rarely used copy of Winning Tides out the ...er... water.

Of course it begs the question how accurate simulations can be compared - say - to local knowledge? Coincidently had a similar discussion today with an Australian client who was seeing big differences between measurements and results generated using one of our competitor's simulation tool. I ran a simulation using our tool with inputs 10 times higher resolution and got close to the measurements (yeh!) - so yes, I think with the right data it can be.

As well as sailing faster these simulations should make for safer sailing: in the video above of the Needles Channel you can see how there's a strong flow that could drag boats dangerously onto the Shingles banks.

And with the sad news over the weekend safety should be on everyone's mind.

Pics of Lyme Regis

Those eagle eyed will have spotted that the video posted earlier was titled Lyme Regis. At the time we were all in a bit of state of shock and I ended up leaving my proper camera at home so was reliant on the iPhone.

Anyhow, here are a couple of photos from that picturesque little port, made regal back in 1284 by King Edward (later to be known as King Edward the First).

Since then its played its part in many a book and film, most notably Jane Austin's Persuasion. The steps above, apparently called Granny's Teeth, is where some say Louisa fell down: a good story not helped by the fact that they weren't there in Austin's day.

The best way to see the world is from a boat

It's a showery Saturday here in London and so the BBQ on Whitstable beach I was going to has been called off. Probably just as well as it's been rather a hectic week that including more or less crashing a memorial service packed with real Lords and Ladies where one of the readings was given by none other than the current Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Right Honourable George Osborne, MP (long story).

So it was quite nice to have a lazy day reading the papers and there was a good crop of sailing related articles. First up was The Independent's "My Life in Travel" with TV presenter Dan Snow in which he declared that "the best way to see the world is from a boat".

Very true, though he might well have been put off sailing due to a nasty early experience. Apparently his first holiday memory was sailing with his father Peter Snow (also a TV presenter) in which he was literally tied down to the boat when it encountered a south westerly gale in the Solent.

Then on to the FT which had a special how to spend it boating edition (not available online). Mostly this is an eye opening insight into the upper price bracket's options, where entry level means a 30m waterline and the only thing in my budget were cuff links at £185 (but no, not tempted).

However there was an interesting article on the British Olympic sailing team, and the attention grabbing statistic that the UK's 2,100 sailing clubs are more than the whole of Western Europe. Go team GB!!

Finally in the main FT there was an article on role of the tactician. This being the FT the example they give is the Olympic sailor hired by the owner of the 29m Wally yacht Magic Carpet2 (above) - but even he started in an Optimist.

Apparently 85% of Olympic sailors started on Optimists, but impressive though that is, and while they are in my budget, alas think I've got big for them in too many ways.

The risks of kayaking

I once read a rather sombre book called "Total Loss" which was packed with accounts of the events that led to a yacht going down. It was, however, a useful read in warning of the dangers of going to sea and hopefully will encourage better practice.

Today I skimmed through a similar document: the MCA's 2010 Canoe and Kayak Incident Annual Report, available from here. It categories incidents into Rescued, Abandoned, FAWGI (which means false alarm with good intent), fatality and other.

Alas there were in total 9 canoe and kayaker deaths during the year, 4 of which were in April, when people are tempted out onto the waters still cold from winter. Two got trapped in rushing rivers while another two were adverse conditions in coastal waters.

But two might have been avoided as one involved drinks and drugs, while another apparently was in the Aberffraw Estuary in challenging conditions without a life jacket or buoyancy aid. Its hard to know what to say; those are two definite no-nos, as was the hoax.

Quite a few stories of members of the public misinterpreting capsize drills and also a lot of abandoned kayaks, plus some intriguing human interest like this one:

"St Austell Coastguards were called to a report of MALE in a Kayak overdue between Lostwithiel and Golant, by his wife. Unit stood down when missing MALE called his wife from Fowey."

I wonder what was said on his return - but what an appropriate place to get lost in.

Let's be careful out there.

Buff Staysail - the truth

Today this blog is forced to run an important official announcement on behalf of Buff Staysail:

G'day all! Buff Staysail here - Buff by name and Buff by nature!

There's been all sorts of gossip going around recently that I just had to come out and clear things up. All this talk about me really being a Syrian lesbian is complete and utter B- ..... er, I mean, complete rubbish.

This is Buff Staysail you are talking about! I am a well known and respected sailing journo and also CEO, Chairman and founder of that ground breaking and potential Tech Crunch winning company, Buff Enterprises!!

Lets keep the gap between fact and fiction clear, ok?

This is Buff Staysail, for real, over and out!

The return of the Great Stink

I didn't need the BBC to tell me what had happened. My nose knew straight away as the smell was just awful, terrible.

The Thames was full of shit again.

Apparently last week after heavy rain 450,000 tonnes of sewage overflowed into the river, returning the upper reaches of the Thames to the "Great Stink" days of Victorian England.

In 1858 the smell was so bad that Parliament decided that something had to be done, and after much deliberation by men with impressive whiskers chief engineer Joseph Bazalgette set to work building a sewer network for central London.

He and his team did a very good job, but since then London has grown quite a bit and the system can't cope with intense rain. Hence the plan for a Super Sewer, as described here by an article on a very good local canoe club, a member of which described recent events as if "some monster had had a problem with diarrhoea, and even I didn’t roll that night".

Indeed it was so bad that there were not one but two Thames Water's Bubblers (above) out patrolling the river by Putney pumping life restoring oxygen into the waters. Such a flotilla was a sight I hadn't seen before and reminded me of some lines of Macbeth:

Double, double toil and trouble 

Fire burn and cauldron bubble

Hopefully soon this blog will return to more reader friendly topics. In the mean time I will quite understand if you leave suddenly for other sites with posts of bikinis and crystal clear Caribbean waters.