Sunday, July 03, 2011

The Will & Kate plan to re-conquer America: part 2

Today we continue Glenn Beard's scoop on how Benjamin Franklin, secret agent of Britain's SIS, will help Will and Kate reclaim the American colonies:

As I revealed yesterday, Britain is on the verge of recovery of the lost colonies due to a long term deep penetration SIS operation to undermine the revolutionaries via a constitution that is biased towards inaction. The USA will inevitably run out of money, giving the plucky Brits the opportunity to put Will and Kate back on their rightful thrones.

But how is this to be funded? Well you have no doubt heard accusations that Britain is operating as a form of hedge fund - well that is actually more true than people know, for the SIS and Buckingham Palace intend to take over the United States of Ameri-can't using similar methods.

Basically it will be done on the standard take-over technique to borrow to the hilt and sweat the assets, but in a smart way. First of course there's the imposition of a Westminster style parliament combined with the English legal system: this removes the unproductive drain on the US economy that are lobbyists and lawyers.

In addition:
1) Will and Kate's first decree will be that all cars must drive on the left hand side of the road and American's must buy new cars within [3] years. This will create a huge economic boom as GM, Ford and co sell 300 million extra cars!!

2) These cars will use the latest technology from Blighty and hence be at least 50% more fuel efficient. Hence American's won't notice when Will and Kate impose a petrol (none of this "gas" nonsense) tax of 50%, raising enough free cashflow to pay off the loans.

3) Under-performing assets states will be sold off. China is understood to be interested in California (though a sale and lease back approach is being considered), Alaska of course will be bought by the Russians while Canada is understood to be lined up to take Washington State.

The result will be a lean and mean United States of Britain with King Will and Queen Kate at the helm!!

God bless their majesties!!

Updated: I was going to scan Franklin's spy papers but alas at that moment a swarve man in a dinner jacket burst through the windows. All I remember is him saying "The names Bond, James Bond" before everything went dark. When I came to the papers had disappeared....


O Docker said...

So the economic heart of the plan is based upon Americans wanting cars that are more like British cars?

I knew there were ulterior motives behind the Beeb promoting Top Gear here.

Never suspected Clarkson, Hammond, and May as SIS agents, though. Well, May, perhaps.

JP said...

Re-conquer America: to quote Jeremy Clarkson "How difficult can it be?"

I will watch tonight's episode for clues.