Monday, December 29, 2008

Review of the blogging year 2009

Recently have been lucky enough to have access to the very latest Google technology, which is literally ahead of its time. Having indexed every page available now or at any time in the past of the internet’s short history, Google started investigating if it could also index pages in the future.

The recent shut-down of CERN was not actually due to mechanical failure but its secret use by Google to open a time-domain worm-hole using a negative energy charged black hole.

And they succeeded! Unfortunately due to Google’s rather strict terms and conditions, useful pages (race winners, stock market movements etc) are presently unavailable. But as part of the pre-Beta program JP was asked to test the service and have been tracking the sailing and water sport blogs of 2009 – and what a year it was/will be!!

Tillerman managed to get to the Laser World Series and in a hilarious set of posts blogged how he beat the other man to become official World Champion Laser Grandfather, winning his last race despite being dragged across the finish line trailing behind his boat with just one foot in the straps.

Adam bumped into Robin Knox-Johnson in a pub in Cowes and they had a great discussion about what really happened on the Golden Globe. They managed to contact Donald Crowhurst via an ouja board who revealed the truth about the final days of his life and the meaning of the weird pages of his diaries. They then co-wrote a best selling book on the subject.

Bonnie won the lottery and moved to Hawaii where she runs a sea kayak school though occasionally visits the big apple to see what a mess they are making of her beloved water front.

Kat was kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts, but didn’t seem to be as upset about it as you might expect, muttering something about “as you wish”.

O’Docker was indeed made first secretary of the Navy until that unfortunate incident with the Wrens – photos of which entertained many on Neversealand.

Pirate Wench Jolea landed a job on the 150 yacht of an elderly multi-millionaire who took a bit of a shine to her before alas suffering a heart attack. In his recently changed will he left her all his money together with the yacht, for which she is now recruiting staff (please send CVs asap).

Greg (or maybe Kris) bought the boat of his dream at a credit-crunch eye wateringly good price. He was worried that the 2008 near boating incident might have put the kids off sailing but they seemed to be keen to go too so they could “make sure dad doesn’t mess up again”.

Edward got the scoop of the year by rescuing none other than Paul Canyard when his Volvo 70 was dismasted, then went on to the win the offshore race and claim the Volvo 70 as salvage.

Alas due to the quantum exclusion principle of search engines it was not possible to discover what my 2009 will look like. If you could please sign up for this programme and tell me what I can expect I’d be very grateful. You must go to Google in 3 months 3 days time and search for “future web”.

I just know that you will find it.


Greg and Kris said...

This is really eerie. Kinda like the mystery of the thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How does it know???

jomamma said...

From your fingertips to God's ear....

Jolea's Mom

Katinka said...

Ah that scallywag Dread Pirate Roberts, I've heard that he's been looking for someone new to scrub the decks and to throw overboard to distract the eels. (In which case, it will be more like "Hah, keep wishing cap'n!" as I dart away in my brand new submersible Aston Martin)

Anyway, I've registered for Google Future Web, but they've temporarily prohibited me from accessing this service, due to a rather ridiculous clause about not reading the endings first!

However, I did manage to hack into Google Headquarters and was able to pick out a few words here and there in the wikipedia article on Captain JP before being booted off:

"sailed across the world twice, accompanied by a harem of bikini-clad sailors...Sam Davies...crowned prince of Timbucktoo...escaped with chief...won Sydney to Hobart race...pineapple..."

Jolea said...

I really need to pay attention to my world because I totally forgot I owned a yacht. What am I doing in Key West??? :) Happy New Year!

JP said...

Greg and Kris: the thermos uses Maxwell's demon - devilishly clever technology

Jolea & mum: Key west is just the first step in a bizarre set of circumstances that leads to the super-yacht. Remember I want a port-out-starboard-home cabin when I visit.

Joc Dundee said...

Ahoy there Kat! Don't worry - you can read the end of this comment straight away if you like.

I rather enjoyed my short stay on Dread Pirate Robert's ship. Just imagine lying in the netting by the bowsprit as the moon rises over a tropical sea, listening to the wake of the ship below you....

Funny you should mention the prince of Timbuktu. Was there back in '05 and got on fabulously with the elderly prince. Though would expect JP to be more into the prince's beautiful daughter but maybe one of those bikini girls had/will have already distracted him.

I can guess what the pineapple is about but mum's the word!

O Docker said...

Can't wait to find out what kind of mischief I absolutely did not get into.

(Deny, deny, deny.)

JP said...

O Docker - deny away, it won't help as there will be photographic evidence :)

(though yes, does look like you will have fun)

Adam Turinas said...

Now that would be a GREAT event in 2009. I finally read A World of My Own. RKJ is a God among men!

JP said...

A World of my Own is a good read - amazing how he coped so well with being on his own for so long.

bonnie said...


(sorry, that's all I have time to say in my miserable cube-farm-denizen pre-lottery-winning existence)...

JP said...

Keep plugging away Bonnie - 2009 can only get better (surely!?)

Any what better to dream of when stuck in the cube farm than the warm sun of Hawaii - particularly in the depth of winter.